What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

Imma cashew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/modular-emergence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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This rooster was chasing a hen, clearly meaning business. But as it passed the kitchen grandma was throwing out some breadcrumbs and so it suddenly lost interest and started pecking away.

Upon which grandpa said, "Son, pray for me, that I never get that hungry!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nuts?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MintyWater23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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Ten elephants are chasing you. What time is it?

Ten after one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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My dog kept on chasing people on a bake, it got so bad I had to take it away from him.
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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My dog happily chased a fly around the house, eventually nabbing it in one chomp.

I guess it's true: time's fun when you're having flies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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What’s it called when a drake chases a female, getting nearer and nearer but never close enough to mate?

Zeno’s pair of ducks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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I pretended to throw a ball for my plecostomus, and he chased after it.

He's totally a sucker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glt23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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What does a dog say when it chases a squirrel up to the tree?

Bark!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pho_spaghetti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.

Gorilla wharf heir.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Why did the alcoholic rooster keep running around in circles?

It was chasing after a cocktail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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One time my cat chased down a drone and brought it to me. The drone's owner accused me of theft. In my defense, I said it wasn't stolen...

...it was purr-chased

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Callmecarson origins
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fieldsofglory-MP
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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What's it called when you chase a train?

Running track

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jhrvys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/valdes2011
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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What does a pirate always chase, yet it's always behind him?

His booty.

Why is it hard for a pirate to learn the alphabet?

Because he always wants to go back to "C".

What happened to the pirate whose leg caught on fire?

He burned to the ground.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodceilingfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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What do you call it when Indiana Jones chases you around town in a Mustang and continually honks at you?

Harassin’ Ford.

....please don’t hurt me for this one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloudedCrow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What a weird day

First I found a hat with money in it and after that, I got chased by an angry man with a guitar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Habodude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Just got the ex.....

Jusy got a random text from her after picking up my son for the weekend.

Her: Hey, how much do used PS3'S run?

Me: Not a whole lot, they don't have legs.

No idea why I'm single. I'm fucking hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/margraves
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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Funny aviation puns anyone?

I work at the FAA and saw this in the hallway. I thought, what other funny aviation puns could I come up with. "Never chase a tail unless it has a rudder", yeah I know that one was bad, but thats kinda the point. ha.

Can you think of any?

https://preview.redd.it/zlo54gedpyr31.jpg?width=617&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b7e64460aa20806921c6aaa0ed5c3d3fd68fa5d8

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fremontAve
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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I was about to get mugged by these guys on the street

But I saw it coming and instinctively ran. My adrenaline was pumping as they were chasing after me and I kept glancing over my shoulder and they were big guys and catching up to me! Luckily a gun shop was open, so I ran in, all the way to the back of the store and leaned against a large metal cabinet used for locking up guns. The clerk saw me and said: "Are you okay, can I help you?"

I put my hands on the cool metal of that cabinet, caught my breath and said: "Thanks. I feel safe now"

*edit wording

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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.

The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Just had the police at my door

They had received reports of a dog chasing a man on a bike.

I told them that it couldn't have been my dog, he can't ride a bike.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pamoth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
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Queen Elizabeth visited an Edinburgh hospital recently...

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

β€œMy heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

β€œSome hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

β€œMy love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, β€œIs this a psychiatric ward?”

β€œNo, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. β€œThis is the serious Burns unit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyfat1981
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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All my dad jokes come with TLC

Once there was this farmer and he had this dream of having a duck. Then one day he saw this duck and started to chase it. He chased it all throughout the farmland. He chased it through a forest. He chased it past a river. All his life, he spent chasing this duck but he never caught it. He died all alone, old and hungry and without the duck. See, the duck represents your dreams, and the other opportunities, they represent other opportunities. So the moral of the story? Don't go chasing water fowls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarlBar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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My grandpa told me this today:

G is grandpa, and Me, is well, me

G: Did I ever tell you the time I got chased by a coffin? Me: No? What happened? G: Well it chased me all throughout the house, through the bedroom, kitchen and into the bathroom Me: How did you get it to stop chasing you? G: Well I grabbed the cough syrup from the cupboard because cough medicine keeps the coffin away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4meme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

β€œI’m a cashew. β€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maria_von_Trapp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rengokufan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

πŸ‘︎ 237
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolateechidna
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnazS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut

I'm a cashew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VadimKu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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What did the nut say to another nut that it was chasing?

I'm a cashew

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILooveMangoes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m gonna cashew.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charly0729
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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What did the nut say when it was chasing another nut?

I'm a cashew

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oasishippie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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