What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
My boss came in the other day and said it's cat had come home missing an eye...
I said that's weird cause I saw one in the middle of the road on my way in this morning
What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A police officer came to my door today. He told me he was looking for this man with one eye.
I told him it'd probably go a lot faster if he used both.
This is the cat's egg-stirring thingys
What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs stuck in barbed wire?
Still bloody no idea.
How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One? Or Two?
Did you know Bruce Lee had much less known younger brother? He never said much and stayed out of the public eye.
What has six hands, six legs and six eyes?
An outdoor neighborhood cat was hiding in some bushes while I was hedge trimming. Didn't see him and clipped his tail clean off. I panicked and grabbed the cat and his tail rushing to my car and drove like a mad man to Walmart. The greeter was puzzled and asked why I brought the cat.
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because Curiosity killed them.
Courtesy of my 7 year old. What's a cat's favourite colour?
I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, "Me? How."
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.
It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.
Went for a drive with my cat and dog
Dad, can brown-eyed parents give their kids blue genes?
Me: Why of course, son - and sometimes even khakis or chinos if the parents are more stylish.
[Made up by me on the spot in response to my son's question about their biology unit in science class].
What’s a cat’s favorite song?
Take meowt to the ball game.
When women get to the age of 50, they tend to collect lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many-paws.
My brother said he didn’t like cat puns.
I asked why and he said, “They freak meowt.”
After a moment of me staring at him, he said, “Seriously, I’m not kitten.”
What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Indian places are naan profit, Vietnamese places are pho profit.
Did you hear about the polygamist cat?
During testing of a new version of Mars rover, a cat entered the test track and was run over. However, the cat was resuscitated when one staffer played a Benny Benassi hit track. A NASA representative has stated...
...that it was a pity that Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought it back.
Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool to use?
A cat video on YouTube had an advert for vaginal itching cream. The algorithm probably got confused by the keyword "pussy".
What did the pirate say after hurting his eye?
Ow, my Corne -ARRRR!!!! My ten year old came up with this one =)
In an unexpected turn of events my apathetic Muslim friend just opened an eye hospital
He calls it "Asif Eye Care".
My 3 yr old daughter made her first pun today and I almost cried. She was eating an apple and I asked her if she liked apples.
Fun Fact: The guy from Dirty Jobs actually can't be seen with the naked eye.
I can't remember his name, though....
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?
He couldn't control his pupils.
My cat wanted to go back to space
I just couldn't afford another cat astro fee.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...
My buddy ended up selling his cat themed car for a lower price
It still looked great, but over the years, it started to lack in purrformance
What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the... Bottom...
(as told by my 5yo son, I'm so proud)
Hey do you like cat puns??
The local police came into my work today looking for a man with one eye..
I told them the search would probably go quicker if they used both eyes
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, "Me, How?
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