My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning

I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JDGeek
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
An old doodle I found on my phone! β€œPot calling the kettle black”
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JugglingJew07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I almost answered the phone when my talkative German brother-in-law was calling me, but thankfully I recognized the number.

That was a Klaus call

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Calling my wife's phone

Whenever my wife losses her phone and asks me to call her phone, I proceed to walk around the house yelling "PHONE!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?"

She rolls her eyes and yells at me to use my phone

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
🚨︎ report
There's a power cut and the electrician is dodging my questions over phone calls.

He is keeping me in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/codezee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….

My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. β€œDad, can you call my iPad?” She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied β€œwhat do you want me to call it?” She looked at me blankly. β€œNo…call my iPad” she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed β€œEmily’s iPad” over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mofomania
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2022
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So I named my phone Titanic

Now whenever I use Bluetooth it says that Titanic is syncing.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinovic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, β€œI hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

β€œDad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

β€œWe can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. β€œWe’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. β€œLike heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, β€œI’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, β€œYou are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. β€œSorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2021
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I was on the phone last night with my niece and she said what do you call someone laying on the floor.

My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Runningforbeer343
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad recieved a phone call from the magazine "Runner's World"

women on the phone asks:

  • "is (mother) home?"
  • dad: "no, she just ran off"
  • women: "oh, ok"

I dont think she got it.

edit: This is actually funnier how he said it in dutch (our native language). his words were "ze heeft ze benen genomen" which literally means " she has taken the legs".

πŸ‘︎ 874
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireflaai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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My daughter wanted a bird.

My daughter wanted a bird. She kept her grades up, so we followed through on our part to get her one. She wanted a cockatiel, but they were sold out everywhere. We find a place about an hour away. I called (on speaker phone) and asked the sales lady (daughter and wife were around me) if they still had the birds available. Lady said yes, she has 3. I asked if we could put one on hold and she said No, they don't do that.

I asked her if we were to leave our house and head up to the pet store an hour away will one be available and she said, yes... they more than likely won't sell out within an hour.

So, I responded "So, they're not exactly flying off the shelves......"

And nothing! Nothing from the sales lady, nor my family other than eye rolls.

no-one gets me!

TLDR: I said something I thought was witty. I was the only one who thought that.

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClumpyOatmeal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2022
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I put my coke can next to my computer before picking up a phone call from your mom. I knocked it over.

I guess you could say that was poor product placement.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamsynels
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly, so I’ve downloaded something called β€œThe Bugs Bunny” to fix it…

It’s a WhatsApp Doc.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife just flew to another time zone and she didn't answer when I called her phone...

My dad says "Well they're two hours behind us so it will take a while for the call to get there."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunnlavitz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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My dad got a phone call during dinner.

Dad's phone rang while we were eating pizza. Its the 3rd time in half an hour.

Dad: "Everyone wants a pizza me."

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chinoble
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, β€œSurely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, β€œYes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2021
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Call my Dad on the phone: "Hey Dad, what's up?"

"Oh, not much, just the price of gasoline."

Every. Single. Time.

You'd think I'd learn, but now it just feels wrong if I don't greet him that way...

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mycareer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
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Called my dad from different phone today ...

When he picked up he told me that "it showed up as 'private caller' when you called. I told your mother that we should reject the call because I only accept lieutenant caller and higher."

Credit to my friend's dad

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xThoth19x
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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This is how my dad answers his cell phone whenever I call...

"Myrtle's Girdle Shop. Stretchy speaking!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoTeamJosh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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When I was in university I was living with a man that spoke very broken English

After my first term ended I decided to move back to my home town. A few weeks later I saw a news article, a zoo had been broken into and all the animals had escaped, noticing the zoo was right near my old house I decided to call my old flat mate and ask if he was okay. When he answered he seemed terrified, but no matter how many times I asked he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. In the end I got frustrated and hung up.

I later discovered he was seriously injuried in a vicious animal attack right after that phone call and I felt terrible for hanging up the phone, but I tried my best, he wouldn't tell me why he was scared he just kept telling me "bear-with-me, bear-with-me" and a man can only wait so long

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spedding1998
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2022
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My 9-year-old daughter just made a dad joke to be super proud of!

My 15 year old asked me to call the dog.

Me: What should I call him?!

15: ugh, dad, call him by his name!

Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him?

9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID!

I couldn't be more proud of that child!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToeKneeh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2021
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My co-worker called my phone and said "Hey, it's me..."

"Hi Me, how's it goin'?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lionkin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Phone call from my aunt.

So my mom had emergency surgery for an ovarian cyst this week. She's home since, and people are calling just to see how she is.

The day after the surgery, my mom is still weak and can't walk very well. The phone rings, so I pick it up for her, it's my aunt. After the usual "Hi, how are yous," she says to me, "So, how's her cyst-a?"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueBackedRobin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
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My friend lost his phone and asked me to call it.

"Wesley's Phone??! WESLEY'S PHHHOOOOOOONE??!" was not what he was looking for apparently.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinkleheimer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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As i was getting in the car i explained to Dad i couldn't call him as my phone died..

he replied "whens the funeral?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elephant_boy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad was so excited to call and tell me this one. He was already laughing when I answered the phone.

A guy walks into his dentist's office and says "Doc, I think I might be a moth."

The dentist replies, "ok.....so why did you come in here?"

The man says, "because the light was on."

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TreborMAI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
🚨︎ report
I got a phone call from my brother...

Bro: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: Sitting in the waiting room of the wife's doctor.

Bro: Which doctor?

Me: No, just the regular doctor.

Bro: Damnit!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodhead79
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
🚨︎ report
So my wife gets this random phone call from Ohio

and she says to me "Do we know anybody from there?"

"I don't think so, but now that I think about it I'm surprised they weren't the first ones to legalize weed."

Drop my house shoes.

Edit: O-HIGH-O, as in get high...I can't tell if having to explain it too the internet makes it better or worse

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/landician
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to call her phone...

"PHOOOONE! COME HERE PHONE! PHOOONE!"

eye rolling intensifies

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raging-moderate
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Ambulance mistake.

So yesterday was surreal.... I was following an ambulance into town, when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops, that’s a serious mistake I thought. So unsure if the ambulance was going to the Regional Hospital I called the hospital and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said β€œYes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it or should I bring it in? The lady replied β€œNo, we’ll just send a toe truck.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LANSknecht
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2021
🚨︎ report
From the desk of a grandad

On a phone call my grandpa (who’s like a dad to me in a way) called me since I saw a frog in my room last night the convo went like this…

Grandpa: You been having animal troubles lately

Me: yes I have. Its not fun

Grandpa: Last week was a bull, this week a frog. Do you know what they call that?

Me: No…a menace is what I say

Grandpa: Its called a bullfrog!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rant_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Thought you'd appreciate my dadjoke marriage proposal

Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.

When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.

She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"

To which i respond, "Oh i just felt like... [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

HAAAANDD EEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEEEE

P.S. I can't take credit, a got a phone call very late last night from my friend and her partner who had been drinking and just discovered this joke. They couldn't stop laughing. If only you could all have heard them trying to sing it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frankie0694
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping? (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short)

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

  • I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

  • I really love my family. Lol

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife is incredibly smart

When I called from my buddies phone she answered β€œhey love”.

She already knew it was me.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fransisco_flores
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 261
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just walked in and asked me to call his phone.

I called "JAKE'S PHONE!!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timmy5toes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Honey can you call my phone?

Phone!... Phone!... Phone where are you? My son is dying with laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stlnthngs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Recent phone call with my dad

Me: Dad, hey, what's up?

Dad: Health insurance premiums.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bossfan1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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