Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
I had my eyes closed.
But with a positive attitude, things have really taken off.
Because Missouri loves company!
https://imgur.com/7N9cd2V
She only has two feet.
Attire
I've got piles
Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”
Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.
Proud dad moment.
A Hobosexual
It was a toot and car moon.
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
Two bums got wiped!!
The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, “If you want a good spot in the line up, you’ll have to suck up to the club manager.”
“No way! I’m no brown noser. In fact, I’m writing this into my next routine, that’ll show her.”
He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.
The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the club’s manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.
The old comedian was astonished and asked, “What happened?”
“Well I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissed”
A there-o
Years ago I thought my “communicator” would be used to beam me aboard my ship, or call for assistance in case of hostile aliens. Instead, it reminds me to take out the trash and that my colonoscopy is due.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Just as I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations...
It’s got a crack in it!
Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you that it is just the tip of the iceberg.
The bartender asks him how will he be paying. The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"
He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Because it's a Trump-pet
A pain in the ass!
Doctor: Don’t worry, I’ve got some cream for that.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
He tried to bury his booty.
They have troubleshooting.
Edit: Wow! This really took off! I'm happy to have inspired so many grins, cringes, and chuckles!
...writing: "I have a music album". 🎶
...versus: "I have a musical bum". 🎺
That's not what I wanted to hear as I was taking down the Christmas decorations...
He was really bummed...
I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.
Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.
I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?
So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."
So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"
Then Big Guy came home.
He was a cinnamon bum.
It twerks
Sweeeet quarantiiiiine...
Doctor: "I have some cream for that."
