Big Show Puns

It's in tents.

“Sweetie, this is a blood test.”

When I ask I can never get a straight answer.

[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)

Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

Watching the new season of The Chef Show on the Netflix, and in the Hog Island episode, John asks why cheese industry is so big there, and someone replies “it’s a beautiful place for dairy, it also it’s just a big dairy area”.

You mean.................................. a dairy-ah?

I’ll see myself out.

(From Abbott and Costello’s radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen — in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother — Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an “icebox” a “refrigerator”)

Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it”

Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad”

Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"

entire conference loses their shit

My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"

Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

We were leaving a pet shop that had the standard assortment of fish, lizards, birds, and hamsters and my daughter said she wanted a fish. We have two cats and I told her that might be a bad idea. I then added that the big problem with fish is that you can't cuddle a fish like you can with cats. She responded by saying "you can with a cuttlefish."

She probably watches too many nature shows.

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask “how do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with “I accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says “Huh, this is a... Little Chewy!”

There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

Watching the news when they mentioned billionaire Harold Hamm's divorce settlement, and it showed the check he wrote his wife. My mom said she'd never seen a check that big, when I replied "It's a normal size check, it's just on a large screen..."

Girl on the show is addicted to sniffing moth balls and he says:

"It must be hard for those moths to fly with balls that big."

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

Went to an art show on the weekend with my wife. We were looking at all the abstract paintings and my wife says,

I just don't get it why is the big splotchy painting worth $8,000 our daughter could paint something just like that. Maybe I'm just not cultured enough?

I reply,

That's not a problem honey you just need to eat more yoghurt!

Needed information: My family and I are pretty big Chicago Blackhawks fans. There is a player on the Blackhawks with the name Patrick Sharp.

Story:

For Christmas I got a bunch of Blackhawk themed shirts ranging from t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts that look like actual jerseys themselves. I got a decent amount of them from my girlfriend's family, so my family didn't see them right away as I opened them at their house. When I got home, I was very excited show them to my family.

So when I grab the long sleeved t-shirt jersey to show to my mom and she says, "Wow that is Sharp!".

I respond back with a grin on my face with a quick "No, there isn't a name on the back of it at all."

It clicked after a few seconds, but I got a groan and a "You knew what I meant..."

I was on my phone and saw a link from /r/whoadude about how big the moon is and I showed it to my dad and said "Wow that is how big the moon is!". He said "No. I think the moon is bigger than your phone."

When my mom and aunt were in high school my aunt brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. She gave him a big list of things he couldn't ask him, "don't ask him about his family, his grades, his hobbies, his job..." So it was a pretty big list. Her boyfriend shows up and my grandpa looks at him and goes "So, have you ever been in prison?"

Was watching a travel show about a man walking the river Nile. The guys is talking about the vastness of the river so I turn to my mum and say "It's not that big that big this guy is just in denile". Mum groaned, brother laughed so overall happy with the result!

My sister and I were playing Mario Kart on the Wii U, and after her squeezing the Wiimote for 4 races, the imprint of the "2" button started to show on her finger.

Her: "Ow. It looks like I have a wii injury"

Me: "It looks pretty big to me"

At least I came in first.

So I Have never been close to my dad because he is old school. You know, republican, really catholic, really fit, clean hair cut, big sports fan, etc. He can be funny but really only shows his fun side with the little kids in the family or his brothers.

Well my little sister is incharge or answering the house phone and when she was younger this happened a lot:

Sister: hello?(pause) hangs up phone Dad: who was it? Sister: nobody Dad: oh, i told him to stop calling. Well what did Nobody want? Sister: What ? Dad: you said Nobody called, i asked what he wanted. Sister: Nooooo, nobody called Dad: i know he called, what did he want

This would go on for a while

My family are all big fans of the show It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, so when a trailer for The Lego Movie came on, we all paid close attention, because Charlie Day from the show has a role in it.

My dad, who was in the other room, came in and asked what we were talking about.

"The Lego Movie. A trailer just came on for it."

"Oh, I've heard great things about that I think it's going to be big."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, a real blockbuster."

My mom was showing him pictures of my cousin on her phone that had sent her pictures in front of a famous ice cream parlor back in our hometown. It was the parlor's 9th anniversary and my cousin was pictured in front of a big "9" in the store. My mom was explaining to my dad that the place had been open for 9 years and my dad replies with...

"Wow, that's impressive. How did they get the ice cream to not melt all this time?"

Two guys show with these big guns ready to fire out into the crowd! This kid asks if they are slime cannons, I said no, they're t-shirt cannons!

My girlfriend turns around and says nah its Nick Cannon..

I'm just surprised I didn't say it before she did.

My grandfather tells me this every year.

"My father once caught a turtle so he could make turtle soup that night. He put the turtle in a box to bring it home. He first stopped at the bar to see his buddies. His one buddy asks, 'Hey what's in the box?' He replies, 'I caught a turtle, a big one too.' He opens the box to show the turtle and asks his buddy what he thinks. His friend takes one look and says, 'That isn't a turtle.' My father caught a damn rock."

We were walking through a grocery store when I showed her a bin full of these large apples Me: "Wow, look at all these big apples!" Her: "They must have come from New York City!" She proceeded to laugh hysterically and elbow me a hundred times saying "hehe, ya get it?" "get it?"

Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it

Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad

Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"

entire conference loses their shit