Iβm going to ask my wife if she will be my βvalen-tineβ!!!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
π︎ 72
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I told my wife that I must always be positive. She asked βWhy must you?β
βItβs in my blood.β I replied.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
When I go camping with my wife I want it to be relaxing...
but it always ends up two in tents
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
During dinner, I turned to my wife and said, βI used to be grapes.β
She said, βHuh?β
Me: Sorry. That must have been the wine talking.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
π︎ 96
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"
Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
My wife asked me to be her Sugar Daddy
I said I can only afford to be your Salt Bae
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
My wife told me, "You're a better husband than I'll ever be."
I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"
π︎ 875
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.
I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that?
Without a pause, she says: Depends
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Recent father. Yesterday my wife told me we βwould be having dinner at around 6:30, 7 oβclockβ
I told her I might be running late and asked if we could make it 6:38 instead?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I used to be blind but I cured it. My wife was the first person I saw
It was love at first sight.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
π︎ 46
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
My wife decided today would be a good day for her water to break.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Told my wife I was going with the kids to get glasses. She asked what we'll be doing afterward.
π︎ 113
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
I told my wife if she was a car she'd be a Jeep Wrangler
because I'd take her top off every chance I got
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "Thatβs a nice ham youβve got there honey! Itβd really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an βsβ at the front and an βeβ at the end!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
My wife said she wanted to be a kidney donor...
I said, βWhen we have a child, I think they should keep their knees...β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"
She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 28 2020
I told my wife that I was going out for a while. She asked me how long I would be gone. I said,
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 25 2020
While redoing the hardwood my wife thought it would be a good idea to toss me a plank. It hit me in the head.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
My wife thought I wouldnβt be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Nov 14 2019
Me to my wife: Cool, the Grammies will only be on for a minute!
Her: looks at me, perplexed
Me: They just said itβs the sixty second Grammy awards...
Her: Get out
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.
She said, βWhat the hell are these?β
I said, βItβs the little things that count.β
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 13 2018
My wife's sister and her family came to visit but I was hiding in the den. She came in and told me not to be antisocial.
I reminded her that I'm a guy.
That would make me uncle social.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 20 2020
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside herβ¦
I said, βNah, itβs probably womb temperature.β
π︎ 342
π
︎ Jun 15 2019
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
π︎ 22
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?"
"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 19 2017
Scheduled my vasectomy today, and my wife will be recovering from our last baby. Iβm sure no one will find this as funny as I did.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
Our daughter asked my wife if she had brought her calming Gummies be on our trip.
I replied "Yup. They're right above her teethies!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
My wife told me I had to stop pretending to be butter.
But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!
π︎ 30
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
I'm not sure if my wife would be okay with traveling outside the 48 contiguous states for our vacation
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
My wife thought it would be cute if we had pet names for each other.
Guess "Fido" was a bad choice.
Now I'm in the doghouse.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
My wife pointed to a dent on the side of the plane and said, βShould we be worried?β
I said, βNo. Itβs just an....Airline fracture.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
βͺMy wife used to be a cinema usherette.
I didnβt know until our wedding day when she walked down the aisle backwards.β¬
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 16 2019
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldnβt be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.
But Iβm just grasping at straws here.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 09 2019
My wife told me to be more in touch with with my feminine side....
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside herβ¦
I said, βNah, itβs probably womb temperature.β
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 12 2017
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
π︎ 61
π
︎ Jun 10 2019
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