My Wife Puns

“Because she has no taste.”

But will she leave me ?

Find out next week.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.

Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"

Proud dad moment!

She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Now that’s just mean.

I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

I don't listen - and something else.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

We have to....She doesn't have one.

I said, “Where did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

Now I can't read anything.

Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.

Orchid

I told her she would roux the day.

I told her I think it’s worth a shot

She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Thanks for the silver ❤️

I had to get a running start but I made it!

She replied (while using the bathroom): What are you talking about?

I said: You told me you were an American, but European.

More on this after the break.

So from today I'm detergent to be better.

I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

A shitload

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

It was a booby trap

But I just can’t quit cold turkey

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

I was parsley correct.

It took a long time, but she finally honed her Kraft.

Which was really strange, since I'd thought that I had left her at home looking after the kids.

Her: "You're a pretty strong swimmer"

Me: "Yeah but I never learned butterfly stroke"

Her: "Butterfly? You just...wing it"

We both looked at each other and snickered like children.

Title Edit: "My wife and I were talking"*

But her aim is starting to improve.

I had to put my foot down.

I said "no wait, I can change."

She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.

We always finish each others sentences.

I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"

I think I won.

She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.

I said, "I didn't know he could!"