Root awakening. imgur.com/Po8RqNB
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgenoDrei
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Scrooge awakens in the night to an apparition; he asks: β€œWho are you?” His dead gastroenterologist responds:

β€œI am the ghost of gasses passed.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I keep being awakened by dreams of Indian dishes that use a complex combination of spices or herbs, usually including ground turmeric, cumin, coriander, ginger, and fresh or dried chilies...

It's a re-curry-ing nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Why was the Millennium Falcon easier to fly after the Force Awakens?

It was now Hans free.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojogoing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of ringing.

He is in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door.

I knocked on her door and said, "Please keep it down!"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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This might seemed forced, but I fear it's awakened something within me.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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The Force Awakens in 10 days...

'Bout time. It's been sleeping all year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/businessmantis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
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Need a tree or bush pun rooted in D&D

Idk if anyone here plays dnd but i just got another awakened bush as a pet and wanted to give pun for a name the other one is elvis pressleaf any suggestion would be appreciated

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DamagediceDM
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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My wife always complains about the gifts I buy for her. This time I got her a Tourette’s alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/picard47at
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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A man is driving along a back road at night

His car crashes into a tree, and he escapes unhurt though his car is badly damaged. However, he needs to find somewhere to stay overnight. The man wanders alnog the road until he comes across a monastery. He knocks on the door, and a friendly monk answers.

Man: I've crashed my car and need a place to stay tonight, might I have one of your rooms?

Monk: of course, come right this way.

The monk shows the man to a room, and the man goes to sleep. At midnight, the man is awoken by a loud thumping on the ceiling. He thinks nothing of it and goes to bed, sleeping soundly the rest of the night.

The next day at breakfast he asks one of the monks about the thumping. The monk replies,"sorry, I can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man figures that that's a pretty fair response, and goes to try and fix his car.

After working on the car all day, the man returns to the monastery and asks to stay another night. The monks of course oblige, and the man goes back to the same room. This night, he is awakened by the same thumping, this time even louder. He wonders about it and eventually drifts off to sleep.

The next day, the man continues to work on the car, and needs to stay just one more night to complete it. The monks are happy to give him a room, but the man asks to me moved to a different room so he won't hear the thumping. The man goes to bed but is awakened by even louder thumping.

He decides to go investigate, and climbs the stairs, only to find a locked iron door, with the thumping coming from behind it. Unsatisfied, he goes back to bed.

The next morning, he asks the lead monk about the thumping. The lead monk replies,"sorry, can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man, filled with curiosity, asks the leader how to become a monk. The leader gives him 3 tasks: the first, to circumnavigate the globe, to learn about culture, the second task, to cut an entire field with scissors to learn patience, and the third, to memorize the entire monk book, to learn discipline.

The man completes all the tasks, and the leader takes him up to the iron door and pulls out a key. He opens the door to reveal the Monk's greatest secret.

If you're wondering what it is, I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you aren't a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clutchdanger11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Our baby isn't here yet but the Star Wars dad jokes are already here

Spoilers if you haven't seen the force awakens.

In the movie they are standing in the snow and Chewbacca interjects that he is cold to which Han replies "Oh really, YOU'RE cold?!"

Husband: I never noticed that line before. He's cold but he's wearing a fur coat. Me: He's not "wearing" it, it's his fur. Husband: Oh... Wookie mistake.

I had to stop the movie because I was busy facepalming. I'm 36 weeks pregnant, I guess he has to practice.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anakinstasia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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Not necessarily a dad joke, but a good retiree joke/brief story just using that wit.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thefluffydinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Dad-joked by a toilet

For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.

Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.

Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.

The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one. "Africa" started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year:

"Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo...."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/txgsync
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a ride awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was quite a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.

They are in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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For her birthday, I got my wife a Tourette’s Alarm Clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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My Dad just dropped this one while watching the news...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jake261
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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