The manager of a home goods store stops by the lingerie shop to ask about their prices.

The saleswoman says, "For you? A candelabra."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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My wife goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When my daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When I get home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gknights
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I tried to sell my old Peter Sellers DVDs the other day but failed to get the price I was asking

It was not a Sellers market

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrow-s
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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All the props from the bay watch TV show recently sold at auction for well over the asking price.

When the winner was asked how she could justify the expense for old towels? Her response was that it is still the best way to dry Hoff.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitespys
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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A man asked a barista the price (in dollars) of a cup of a cup of earl grey and the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

"For tea, two" the barista responded.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xechwill
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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Did you hear the news about Patrick Mahomes?

His baby was 6 pounds sterling.

Not a bad price if you ask me!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gugalgirl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...

She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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A gorilla goes into a new bar...

He asks for a Pint of Beer.

The bartender says: 'That'll be $4.85'

Then the bartender says: 'We don't get many gorillas in here'

The gorilla replies: 'With these prices, I'm not surprised'

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Yesterday, a woman asked me if her dry ice was priced correctly

I told her "Yes ma'am, the ice is right." Silence. I worked so hard on that joke in my mind, and she didn't get it. My talent is unappreciated.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutrageousKoala
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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I made this up today hope its alright here

Went to the bird store today Went to the cage section and one caught my eye. It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it. I asked why it was so much?

The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disturbed56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:

"What's upstairs?"

"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goaheadidareyou
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Going Shopping

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 928
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie. He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears. I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn't offer a bulk discount. For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.

With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn't back down. Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears. He then asked me what I wanted to play.

Fed up, I shouted: Rock! Pay per scissors!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rburke319
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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I saw a Craigslist ad for a 40 inch smart TV the other day.

The guy was asking for $50 and the only thing wrong with it was the volume controls weren't working properly.

At that price, I couldn't turn it down.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aptom_4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Mom Joke Got Me

While driving home with my wife, we passed a Sam's Club and I noticed the fuel prices were low. I asked her, "You ever get gas at Sam's?" She said, "Yeah, sometimes after eating the free samples, I let one rip."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upandattem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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TIL that the Bloods once owned then destroyed 9% of the Bitcoin market in 2014

Higher ranking members of the Bloods held 9% of the coins that had been mined up to 2014. They suddenly and abruptly destroyed the wallets that contained the bitcoins in late 2014.

It wasn’t discovered until 2017 when a former member spoke to the press when the prices spiked. When asked the reason for destroying the fortune he said β€œcause it’s a Crip-tocurrency”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinetsu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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I went to a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning and the woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked?"

"Does it affect the price?" I asked.

"No, not at all." she replied.

"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon


If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.


So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t17389z
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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While getting gas my dad says this

This woman goes into Tiffany's and bends over to look at a ring. she accidentally farted, she is embarrassed and thinks no one is around. She turns to see a salesman behind her. Acting nonchalantly, she asks the salesman the price of the ring. He replies,"if you farted just looking at it then you're are going to shit when I tell you the price."

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddy584
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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Speedy Gonzalez

So my dad sells furniture and the other day a woman came in and asked for prices on carpets. He said,

"Sorry, we don't sell carpets but there's a great place down the street called Speedy Gonzales'."

She says, "That's a funny name."

"Yeah, but they have lots of underlays."

"Underlays?"

"Uh huh about three of them... Andele! Andele! Andele!!!"

What an idiot.

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niggas_in_Lisburn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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A hippy went to buy some threads...

...and he found just the pair he wanted on a market stall, so he asked the price and was told, "like, eighty dollars, man". He turned to his old lady for the bread and she was staring open-mouthed, and she whispered, "John, they're too much!". So John turned back to the stallholder and said, "crazy, man, I'll take two pairs".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gil-Gandel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Dads love a good beer special.

I was at a bar the other night with my dad, when dad calls the bartender over to where we are sitting. He proceeds to ask her, "Are you running that special again today, first beer for the price of two and the second one is free?"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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At the Renaissance Faire today

I was at the local Renaissance Faire with some friends today and we went to see the blacksmith. They had some cool mugs and shot glasses without price tags, so my friend asked how much everything was.

Blacksmith: These mugs cost this much [yada yada yada] and these shot glasses are $18.

Me: Shouldn't they be $21?

The blacksmith groaned. I made a blacksmith groan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stale56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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Dad shows his knowledge of Asian cuisine

My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, "how much is the wonton special?" But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in:

"The wonton special? Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though." Followed by a shit eating grin.

Thanks for always being so helpful, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lights0ff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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The Story of Jefferson Handy

There once was a golfer named Jefferson Handy. He was a decent golfer, even better considering that he was unable to stand for more than a few minutes without intense pain. Due to his affliction, Jeffrey was always spotted a few strokes on the course. Anyway, Jeffrey was always known for a smile on his face and his cabby hat he wore for good luck. One day, while on the 7th green, a lady appeared from one of the water traps and told him she would grant him any wish, but at a price. He said sure, and asked to be able to stand again. She granted him his wish, but for payment, she took his hat. And that's the story of the lost Handy Cap.

> I want to apologize to everyone today. These terrible jokes have been coming to me all morning and I can't turn it off.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2016
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3 4 5

Context:

  • I currently live and study in the Philippines

  • One Philippine Peso (β‚±) is approximately 1/40 a dollar. Go check the conversion ratio if you doubt.

  • A single stick of this choco wafer stick right here (called Stick-O) usually costs at about β‚±1

  • I study in a college where student organizations are prevalent and their means of collecting funds is by Fund Raising Activity, i.e., selling consumables to students (usually food at exorbitant retail prices)


Every single time when I see an organization member doing his/her FRA selling Stick-O's, I ask...

Me: How much is that?

FRA: Three for five.

Me: β‚±3 for 5 pieces?

They chuckle in shame. They then correct me:

FRA: No, 3 pieces for β‚±5 pesos

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/francis_0000a
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Got a customer at work today.

I was walking down an aisle scanning prices and all that jazz and a customer comes up to me and asks:

Customer: "Hi sir, do you know where I can find a wall plug?

Me: "A wall plug? What do you mean?"

Customer: "You know that thing you put on the screw for better support? Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Me: "Yeah, they'll be right here" I told him while we were walking to where they were.

Customer: "OH! So how do you call them?"

I couldn't remember the name of it so I told him "I don't call them. Unfortunately, they don't have phone numbers."

The look he gave me was like he was disappointed and amused at the same time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlooZebra
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
🚨︎ report
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AaronKClark
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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