And Yet It Moves Puns

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi

I am looking at office space, planning a big move. My future office-mate and I were talking to my wife about a space, and we commented on how old the kitchen looked. She asked if that mattered - how much will we be using the kitchen.

I told her it does matter. That may be an office for two people.

Who, she asked me.

Dinah. Not sure who else yet. But I do know this:

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah.
Someone's in the kitchen I know-oh-oh-oh Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Strummin' on an old banjo.

She asked if I didn't have work to do.

Helping my dad move in. One room had nothing in it yet, and was completely empty besides a nightstand and a painting of two bears dancing in a forest.

My dad walks in: "Wow, this room is too bare".

Me: stares Dad: "Two. Bear."

I was on a country highway on my bike, when the thought randomly struck me that it would suck if a deer suddenly jumped out and hit me at 120mph. My newly-wed but not yet dad brain gently and immediately reminded me that deer cannot move 120mph. Thanks brain.

We saw a parade that had Peter Pan with a float of Big Ben, and it was moving pretty quick for a parade float.

I turn to my girlfriend and say: "looks like that clocks running a little fast."

I'm not a Dad yet, but I feel like I'll be good at it.

Hello fathers and fellow lovers of dadjokes! I am in need of your collective wit. You see, my friends did not get the hint that it was a bad idea to do this last time, and yet have foolishly asked me to house sit for them again. I've decided to prank them again (because I'm a wonderful friend), and this time I am turning their house into a house of puns. I need puns I can practically make. Here are a couple examples:

"While you guys were out I think your milk went bad..." draw on milk carton a bandanna, scruff, and a gun tucked into its logo

Move any of their jars in front of their bedroom door.

A map starting from their router.

Things like that. They have a pool, two labs, but otherwise have a pretty standard living arrangement. However, I don't want to mess with their computers as their occupations have some sensitive materials on them.

I struggled with what sub to reach out too with this post, so thank you all who reddit. You're fantastic folk, the lot of you!