Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples? Mum now pretty confused: why honey? Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsyPlays
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away but so does a restraining order

I tried okay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zi657
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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"An apple a day keep the doctor away" they say, but only if you have good aim.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geekcommunicant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?

Yes, but only if you throw it really hard and aim well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

If a doctors kid eats an apple everyday, would he ever see his dad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peaced01
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

but dad jokes for 7 days makes one weak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdos93
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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An apple a day might keep the doctor away...

But if you want to find inner peace, you need a Daily Llama

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h8speech
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Steve Jobs never graduated

I found out that Steve Jobs never graduated from college - I guess an Apple a day keeps the doctorate away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/speculatrix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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A doctor and an engineer were both trying to date the same woman.

Every morning the doctor would stop by and leave a rose for the woman. Which she thought was very sweet.
Every evening the engineer would stop by and leave an apple for the woman. Which she thought was sweet but a little odd.

At the end of a week she asked the engineer why he kept giving her apples. To which he replied, "As they say; an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ColtinWayne44
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Near death experience

So I was driving to work the other day and as I stopped at 3 way intersection (stop sign) by my house I paused to grab the apple out of my lunch because I was hungry. The moment I after I took my first bite and was about to turn, a construction truck blew the stop sign and almost took out the front of my car. After the excitement left I couldn't help but think to myself, "an apple a day really does keep the doctor away." And took another bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumborkdrive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away

But only if you throw it hard enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brillmedal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away

But in my experience, so does an air rifle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StagyDais
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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An Apple A Day Will Keep The Doctor Away...

IF YOU THROW IT HARD ENOUGH!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boop66
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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Why are iphone users healthier?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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