An man at a bar didnโ€™t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnโ€™t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said โ€œWhy were you out all night?โ€ He said โ€œHow did you find out?โ€

She said โ€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, โ€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s funny...โ€ the man said, โ€œI work for Twin Peaks!โ€

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, โ€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s funny...โ€ the second man said, โ€œ I work for the 3M company!โ€

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, โ€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s so funny...โ€ said the third man, โ€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!โ€

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ the other men ask.

โ€œI work at Seven Eleven.โ€ He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 134
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NighTraiN7804
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.

I hope It's Paul. He's cute.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ENJOYblet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the man who stole all four wheels off a police cruiser?

The cops worked tirelessly to find him!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 70
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bakedschwarzenbach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I'm no longer wise but I'm very hole-y.

Because I'm full of holes and everything hurts.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ktmp93
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st ...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they thanked her, they asked which shot she received. โ€œPfizerโ€, she said. The couple said, โ€œWell weโ€™re Moderna folks!โ€ My daughter asked me why that matteredโ€ฆ. Well, I saidโ€ฆ In 2 years, all of us Modera folks will have grown two heads and all of you Pfizer people will probably have four arms. My daughter then looks innocently at both my wife and I and said, โ€œwhat about the people that got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?โ€ My wife and I completely lost itโ€ฆ we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. My daughter started laughing too, but had no idea.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gorillacode
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LoathsomeNarcisist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 688
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ComeAbout
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 108
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MysteriousWritings7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says โ€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have fourโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kittenโ€™s collar, all the way up to the bell from the kingโ€™s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell towerโ€™s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thiefโ€™s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

โ€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reddit_reddit03
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A daddy minnow, a mommy minnow, and two baby minnows went camping...

Four, all in tents and porpoises.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Daudelin1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer doing some amazing juggling

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor few of the show. So, the juggler stands on a wooden box and asks, โ€œCan you all see me now?โ€

โ€œYesโ€ โ€œOuiโ€ โ€œSiโ€ โ€œJaโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 31
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jtrad_24
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Typing the word milk is alright.

Thatโ€™s all I got and I did it in like four different posts.

I regret nothing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Deathbysnusnubooboo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When the third zero came up, I promptly bet my money against another one appearing...

...and quickly lost everything.

It was all four naughts.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/this_time_i_mean_it
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad is buying supper from the chippy.

"Would you like anything on your chips?"

"Does it cost extra?"

"Ten pence."

"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FatFreddysCoat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 57
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_Compooper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Patyboomba
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
500 bricks on an airplane and one falls off. How many are left?

((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers))

[499.]

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Put elephant in. 3. Close door.]

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? [1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Put giraffe in. 4. Close door.]

All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didnโ€™t attend? [The giraffe. Heโ€™s still in the refrigerator.]

A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible? [All the alligators were at the birthday party.]

The girls still dies though, how come? [The one brick from the airplane fell on her head.]

๐Ÿ‘︎ 254
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DaShMa_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maimonides_vii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Junglejimirish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, โ€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.โ€

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, โ€œLetโ€™s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.โ€

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didnโ€™t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didnโ€™t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, โ€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!โ€

Pork Chop replied, โ€œNo way Josรฉ! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!โ€

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, โ€œThen Iโ€™ll huff, and Iโ€™ll puff, and Iโ€™ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!โ€

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scottโ€™s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hamboneโ€™s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageMonster17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.

The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sรญ.' 'Ja.'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AgamGamez
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
You're 40, she's 10

Youโ€™re 40, sheโ€™s 10 โ€“ A classic ย Abbott and Costelloย skit, where ย Bud Abbottย tries to play a prank on ย Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Youโ€™re 40 years old and youโ€™re in love with this little girl thatโ€™s 10 years old. Youโ€™re four times as old as that girl and you couldnโ€™t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- youโ€™re 40 years-old, youโ€™re four times as old as this girl, and you canโ€™t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girlโ€™s 15 and youโ€™re 45. Youโ€™re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, youโ€™re at 60. Youโ€™re only twice as old as that little girl.
๐Ÿ“ท****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโ€™s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now hereโ€™s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? Thatโ€™s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl sheโ€™ll pass me up. Sheโ€™ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Sheโ€™ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): โ€ฆI was nice enough to wait for her!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Roivas14
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A crow asked a woman,

"would you like to donate to my charity?" The woman replied, "Sure! What's it called?" The crow said, "CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!" The woman probed, "Why is it called that?" The crow replied, "Enough with all these questions! It's four good caws."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CorruptPerson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My first legit dadjoke

Our daughter is four months old.

The other day while my wife and I are laying in bed and she's trying to sleep while I am still redditing:

Her: can you dim your phone? It's bright Me: well, it is a smart phone, after all

I giggled, she sighed. I'm so proud

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/onetoomanyclicks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad dadjoked my four year daughter at the beach yesterday.

Went to the beach with my family and brought my parents. My wife was making everyone sandwiches when my four year old daughter became impatient and started whining that she wanted her sandwich next.

My dad picked up a handful of sand and slowly poured it out of his hand while saying "What is the matter? Look at all the sand which is here!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robinson217
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Man Who Loved Hollandaise

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maimonides_vii
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So I dadjoked the hell out of my dadjoking boss

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ejh3k
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the Dole truck that crashed?

It was speeding down the interstate going 20 over the speed limit with a bunch of monkeys hanging off the side when suddenly it lost control and crashed, spilling the contents of it's trailer across all four lanes blocking traffic for hours.

It was bananas.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WellTrained_Monkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A snail goes to a car dealership and wants to buy a car.

He finds one he likes and says to the salesman: โ€œI will buy this car as long as you paint a giant letter โ€œSโ€ on the hood, the roof, the trunk and all four doors.โ€

The salesman says: โ€œokay, we can do that, but why?โ€

Snail: โ€œwhen I drive down the street I want people to say โ€˜look at that S-car-go!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageMonster17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I lost my fortune cookie for the sake of a dad joke

I was out to lunch with a few colleagues at a local Chinese buffet. The way seating is laid out, we four were seated at a long table with a couple on either end of us. The couple to my left received their fortune cookies and the lady cracked hers open. I heard her disappointment as she told her husband in anguish "There's no fortune in mine! My fortune cookie has no fortune!"

I looked at her and said "Ma'am, that's unfortunate." All my colleagues collectively sighed, and my buddy across the table from me said "You know what scrovak, that was so bad, she gets your cookie now."

The lady was delighted both at the joke and the new cookie.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 232
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scrovak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I may have found the one...

So this girl Iโ€™ve been seeing for a while was at my place. She made a comment about how difficult a dogs life must be... I said โ€œyea, itโ€™s a rough life!โ€ And proceeded to make three or four mor dog puns.

She walks to the Christmas tree, grabs a candy cane and throws it at me (all with a straight face).

Thinking she was mad, I asked what that was for.

She looks up, smiles, and says โ€œIt was your punish-mint.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_JEThompson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 147
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shigglesmcwhigley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Homelessness

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/delspencerdeltorro
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 268
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Amanbbi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
more dad jokes

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that theyโ€™re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Iโ€™ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

People donโ€™t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When someone asks my dad how many kids he has.

He answers "Four, all girls except for three of them"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 94
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Turnuptherock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.