Adopt Me! Puns

What can I say, I’m always willing to raise the steaks.

......And I'd be meeting my new parents that afternoon.

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

He said "I see you and I raise you."

I said ‘Yeah your new parents will be here any second now’

She didn't like my pet project.

But why every day?

Dad: "Not yet, we're still trying to find somebody who wants you."

Then they became a parent.

"Are you kidding?! REALLY?!" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready", he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

X-post from /r/Jokes

So we (my sister Shannen, my girlfriend Kallie, and my dad) are adopting a dog today and we are waiting in line for the centert to open.

Shannen: I hear they have a bunch of pit bull mixes.

Me: Do you guys want a pit bull?

Kallie: Pit Bulls are super sweet, it just depends on how they're raised

Dad: I don't know... I don't really like his music

Dad: 'Yeah, but no one would take you or your sister.'

And not Madatgascar

Dinners on me Edit: sry adopt the typo

They wouldn't allow me to adopt easy street...

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

Dad: You know you were adopted too, right?

Me (8 years old): I was?!

Dad: Yeah, but you were such a miserable kid they made your mom and I take you back.

"You're adopted " makes me laugh every time

It took him a moment to process what I had said, and then he looked at me shocked and asked. "Are you saying that I'm adopted?" It was priceless.

(No, he isn't adopted)

My wife called me up from the animal shelter the other day wanting to adopt a dog. Since money is tight current, I specifically said "0 canine". Now I'm the proud owner of 9 German shepherd pups and will from now on pronounce "0" as "Zero".

My sister is a teacher at a private high school for kids with learning and behavior difficulties. She just texted me for help with a funny slogan about spreading cheer and kicking ass.

Basically, each student "adopted" a teacher and they're going to do some sort of obstacle course. They're Santa's helpers, and have hats, shirts, and swords. She just came up with this idea at the last minute and would like help thinking of a punny tagline.

Any ideas?

Dad: You're adopted.

Me: Wh..? I don't get it.

"Dad" (laughing): Neither did your real parents!

Him: Why did the Cowboy adopt a Wiener Dog?

Me: Oh boy here it comes... why?

Him: Because he wanted to get a long little doggie...

The Dad is strong with my Bro

He adopted me today!

My friends were playing a game during new years celebrations and I was watching. One of my friends began adopting a strategy I've become infamous for.

Friend getting mad: Paul, do you see this? He's pretty much being you.

Me: I'm appalled.

We recently adopted a rabbit and the shelter had named him Justin. We wanted to rename him and it's since been a running joke since Justin is, in our opinion, not a very rabbit-like name. He was also really skittish and we've been working in socializing with him. So today (day 6) my boyfriend asks me:

"So would you say he is adjusted yet?"

To which I replied, "No, he's a-justin" (adjusting)

While talking about a new dog her roommate adopted this week.

Me: "What kind of dog is she?"

Sister: "She's a boxer." Me: "Oh cool, does she wear gloves?"

Sister: "Uhg, you are so funny."

She did a good job poker facing the tornado of laughter inside of her

We were having a conversation about adoption and she mentions the Little People show on TLC and how they adopted other 'little' children.

Wife: I wonder how long that specific waiting list is?

Me: probably pretty short...

Groan

My wife and I just went from the bottom of the adoption waiting list to having a baby of our own on 20 hours notice. We're standing by his basinet in the hospital.

She asks me "Is this really happening?"

"A-parent-ly!"

OK so a little background. My dad and stepmom recently adopted a chiwawa who had been abused by its previous owners. At first he was extremely skiddish but eventually warmed up and now is a pretty chill, albeit goofy, little guy. My brother was petting him last night and out of no where he gets defensive and turns and bites his leg.

My step mom goes, "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Hes still funny like that sometimes. Isn't he (my dad)?"

My dad non chalantly replies, "I laugh at him all the time."

Me and my brother were just losing it.

Me: Dad, was I adopted?

Dad: Yeah, but they sent you back.