Action Point Puns

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.

So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.

anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.

That's when I thought:

"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"

So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.

It's a Lavalier mic.