A Story Puns

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

Always trying to get the symphony vote.

For example a march to battle was sung around middle D, Georgian chants were sung in low to middle G, it seems that most if not all pirate chants were sung on the high C’s

The lady at the vet: “what’s his name?”

Me: “The shelter told me his name is Toby”

Her: “Well, what does he think his name is?”

Me: “........ Kunte Kinte”

She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.

Once a punnet time....

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

They can't get over writer's block.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"

She then left the room, cackling.

(His actual answer): "because you always need to carry a little cash on you."

When he asked who the best composer was, they kept replying “Bach, Bach, Bach”

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

I became a film editor.

It's a play on words.

It was about a dinosaur. I can't get into it right now, it was a long tail

A pony tale!

He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out." The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?" The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

I knead one of those!!

Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"

While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al

As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al

When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al

When he tells clever jokes, he’s Comic Al

He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al

This is due to the frog's incredibly strong hind legs, and the fact that a house can't jump.

It was legend dairy.

...Colby

His son asked him why the book was so fat. The father replied "It's a long story"

But it's just a running joke among friends

It was gut wrenching.

Little red riding wood

Age 6 they were separated in a successful 13hr surgery. Later in life they went to prison for armed robbery. They served 10yrs. Afterwards they wrote their book about being ex-con joined twins.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.

"How did you even see that?" I asked.

And she answered, "With my spider-sense."

I love this woman so, so much.

So, I’m standing outside my office building with my older, wiser coworker, when he points up at a flock of geese flying in a V.

Me: [looks at the geese coworker is pointing to]

Coworker: “you notice how one side of the V is longer than the other?”

Me: “yeah”

Coworker: “do you know why that is?”

Me: “hmm... no”

Coworker: “there’s more birds on that side”

It's just two fowl to discuss

Pi-gnocchi-o

It was very deer-pressing...

An auto-biography!

saved by the Belle

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

And it’s about time too.

I became a film editor.

I became a film editor