The guy at 7 eleven asked if I wanted 10 free packs of Tic-Tacs with my purchase, and I asked him under what condition?

Mint condition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadySparta729
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?

two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadwfiend
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day...

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeGuy1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Have you heard of the Christmas game that Germans play?

Eleven on the shelf.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilmd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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The only thing I learned in high school was how to multiply...

and I have eleven kids to prove it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, β€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the man said, β€œI work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the second man said, β€œ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s so funny...” said the third man, β€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, β€œWhat’s wrong?” the other men ask.

β€œI work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NighTraiN7804
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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What are supermarkets in the afterlife called?

Heaven eleven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCMB360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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How did nine, ten, eleven, twelve, and thirteen die?

Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexlutha23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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My daughter was singing β€œOnce I was eleven years old...” and got it stuck in my head.

A few minutes later, I belted out β€œOnce I was eleven sixteen...”

β€œDad, that doesn’t make any sense.”

... πŸ€” ...

β€œI’m a clock.”

You probably had to be there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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While watching Stranger Things wife says: β€œEl is pretty”

Me: Yeah, she’s an Eleven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckycastle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I told my students they would have a test tomorrow.

Student: How big is the test?

Me: eight and a half by eleven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JTxyz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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Studying Spanish and these are the puns I've come up with so far.

English and Spanish.

The Trump administration is making a game out of getting Latinos out of the country, they call it deporte.

Spanish heathens have to pay extra to preforn their ceremonies. Pagan rituals

What sci-fi weapon does the King of Spain prefer? A rey-gun!

Do you know how many times anyone had to tell me how to say 'eleven' in Spanish? Once.

Exclusivamente en espaΓ±ol (PerdΓ³n por errores gramaticales)

QuΓ© comida es el mas mojado? El agua-cate

Cual comida no puede decir una mentira? La verdadura

Como se llama un libro sobra la revoluciΓ³n? Libre!

QuΓ© es exactamente una mejor que Beyonce? Beydoce

Cual animal siempre tiene un novio o novia? El Parejaro.

Cual comida es el menos diverido? Aburrito.

Sobre que papel de pelicula de Madonna no le quiere hablar? Evita!

Quiero que me digΓ‘is mas. Nunca tengo suficiente bromas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DankOfTheEndless
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
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Stranger things 3 was awesome

I give it a rating of ELEVEN out of 10

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainRelyk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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A friend recently asked me what I’ve been up to lately....

I told him, β€œOh about five foot, eleven!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcaneWizard1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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My daughter starts standardized testing tomorrow. She asked how long they were.

I said eleven inches, then turn the page. Eleven inches on those two pages, then turn the next page... Eleven more on those two...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billdanbury
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Calendar Days That Are Puns!

Days That Are Puns

1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23

Please mention any I missed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wintercool612
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2017
🚨︎ report
I sing on a daily Bass-is

Out of 20 I’d say my singing level is like a tenor eleven.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObligatoryStory
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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What do you call someone that is a step up from an average renter?

An elevenant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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The cast of Stranger Things was told to rate The Office on a scale from 1 to 10

It was given an 8 and 1/2 by Eleven

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodStevening
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon


If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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My 11 year old son got my wife

My wife bought a frozen pizza that was purported to be the best frozen pizza, and supposedly you couldn't tell that it was frozen.

She baked it in the oven, got it out, and asked "So, does this look like a frozen pizza?"

My eleven year old son replied "not any more"

I'm so proud of him!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirosis73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2016
🚨︎ report
My deep-voiced friend surprised me by saying he likes to sing tenor.

"Ten or eleven miles away from anybody else."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/galactigak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad got my family with this one

As we're driving, we see a Boyz II Men billboard and my mom says something about it. In response, my dad says, "yeah, they used to be called Boys to Men, but now it looks like they're Boys eleven Men."

I was the only one who laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ngabear
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Got the gas station clerk today

I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7.11). I look at him sternly and reply, "no, this is Chevron". He wasn't nearly as amused as I was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaliKingHockey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Accidentally got myself and a store clerk.

So this morning on my way to work I stopped at a Walgreens to grab some snacks and drinks. (For those unknowing, it's a pharmacy/grocery) I recently quit smoking and found the snacking helps on cravings.

Anyhow, the clerk rings me up and says my total: "$7.11." Without even thinking it I blurt out "It's not a seven-eleven. It's a Walgreens."

Suddenly terrified that I am apparently a dad, I grabbed my stuff and left, the haunting echoes of laughter behind me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2014
🚨︎ report
A couple from my U.S. History teacher.

Student: How long is the test?

Teacher: Holds up test pretending to measure its dimensions "I'd say about eleven inches."

Another student: "Is there a curve?"

Teacher: Holds up test again this time bending it "Now there is."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
🚨︎ report

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