A list of puns related to "5 Weddings"
I handed her a hundred to deposit in the bank from a wedding present.
Her: Do you have any smaller bills?
I proceed to take out a ten...
Her: taking off a zero doesn't count.
So I take the hundred, fold it in half, and hand it back
My fiance and I are getting married at Kennedy Space Center. We're looking for a good space + love/wedding pun for our website. Written in the Stars is too cheesy. We're leaning toward "One Giant Leap". Any other suggestions?
Hello fellow pun connoisseurs,
Friends of mine just recently had a bit of a shotgun wedding. I'm vowing to prepare a statement for them in celebration The bride is particularly fond of puns. While I've been grooming myself for this for some time, any matrimonial/wedding puns that I might consider would be much appreciated. It would be the best, man!
I'm trying to find a good pun for pine or pine tree that is wedding/marriage themed.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Engagement ring
Wedding ring
And suffering...
Ding! Dong! The witch is wed!
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
She was watching our wedding video again.
The teacher asks the class, “ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”
Johnny replies, “ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”
The teacher says, “ no three are left but I like the way you think.”
So then Johnny says, “ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”
The teacher says, “ the one sucking?”
Johnny says, “ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”
I’m officiating a wedding Saturday and want to weave in some of your finest. Please share some of your best to help me deliver some laughs!
Edit: ... help me deliver some eye rolls and long nasal exhalations.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"
Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."
Judge: "ok.... then? "
Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."
Judge: "what?"
Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"
The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:
Host Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.
The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.
Host Alright.... I guess you have a belt....You still need a jacket.
The man goes back out to his car and fishes out a jacket his wore to a wedding a year ago. He shares it off, brushes it with his hand, and puts it on.
Host Ok. You still need a tie. It is required.
The man goes out to his car. He doesn't have a tie. He puts on jumper cables and makes a perfect Windsor knot.
Host You have a belt and a jacket. I guess you have a tie.
Just don't try to start something....
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
It was a shotgun wedding.
Hopefully this is the right place for it - but I'm looking to create a wedding hashtag with our future last names. So far, we only have 'pining for macalpine' but, as someone pointed out, that has a rather negative connotation. Unfortunately, our first names don't lend to puns/rhymes.
Any alp would be appreciated.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… Guardian of the Galaxy
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.
I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.
Their wedding invitation for next October told me to "save the date", and rsvp yes or no.
I replied "10-4".
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. Which is worse? having your girlfriend find out you're married explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your p***s Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡A friend was getting married in a small church. I was part of the wedding party, and we were at wedding practice, making sure everything went off without a hitch. We noticed the bride to be seemed a bit agitated, so we asked her what was wrong.
"The church is so small," she said, "which I love - but where will we fit the musicians? we hired three string musicians to play us in and out of the wedding and there doesn't seem to be any place for them to play!"
I looked at my friend and his bride-to-be and smiled.
"You have nothing to worry about. Haven't you heard...?" They shook their heads in unison.
"THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO."
They seemed to enjoy my wedding toast.
The wedding was low key.
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
It was an Otis wedding.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month
The only ones who didn't respond were the letters T, X and Y.
So W and Z ordered 23 catered meals: 2 for them and 21 for their guests.
The wedding was great, but there was trouble at the reception. The letter T came, even though she didn't RSVP.
When the meals were being passed out, the chef served the groom (W) and bride (Z) first, then asked everyone else to line up alphabetically to come get their prepared plates. As the last two letters approached the chef, he said "there must be a mistake. I only have one meal left." Just then, T grabbed the last meal, and rudely said to the other letter "Sucks to be U."
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."
Even our wedding cake was in tiers
Marriage is a 3 ring circus, fist comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, after that comes the suffering.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
She was watching our wedding video again.
She is watching our wedding video again.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡The wedding wasn't much but the reception was incredible
It was very emotional - even the wedding cake was in tiers!
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.
So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?
She is watching our wedding video again.
Engagement ring Wedding ring Suffering
I didn’t know until our wedding day when she walked down the aisle backwards.
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