My 4 y.o. was eating a bit of mayonnaise that fell out of her sandwich ...

... and she goes "Dad, this is mayonazing!".

I couldn't be more proud :]

๐Ÿ‘︎ 80
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dannyk6
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
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I'm a mom but I got my son good today...

He was about to cook a late lunch of scrambled eggs. Tells me he's going to cook 4 eggs.

I asked him didn't he think that was a bit eggs-sessive.

Cue rimshot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BadWolf7426
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2023
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit theyโ€™re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โ€œIโ€™d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ€ it says. โ€œSorry, but I canโ€™t serve you,โ€ the bartender replies. โ€œYouโ€™re out of your head.โ€

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind here,โ€ the bartender says. โ€œWhy not?โ€ one yogurt asks. โ€œWeโ€™re cultured.โ€

A friend of mine didnโ€™t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโ€™s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and thereโ€™s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โ€œWhat are you staring at? Havenโ€™t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ€ The guy says, โ€œItโ€™s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ€

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โ€œWhatโ€™s with the paper towel?โ€ The pirate says, โ€œArrr! Iโ€™ve got a Bounty on me head!โ€

A turtle is crossing the road when heโ€™s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know. It all happened so fast.โ€

Armed robbersโ€”some say theyโ€™re a drain on society, but youโ€™ve got to give it to them.

Barbersโ€ฆyou have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Donโ€™t forget the pickle. Itโ€™s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโ€™s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโ€ฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bugasum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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I cheered up my dad by telling him dad jokes:)

Yes, you've caught me I'm not actually a dad but rather a 16 year old female. This is a mess of a story so please bear with me:)

The other day I went downstairs to take my nighttime meds. When I got to the dining room, I saw my dad sitting at the island and he just looked so... sad. I've NEVER seen him like that before but he just seemed so lost and it broke me to see him like that.

My dad always puts on the tough guy act for whatever reason. I doubt he wanted anyone to see him like that so I pretended not to notice. So, I walked over and started chatting with him. We talked about school and video games for a bit until the conversation went a bit dead. However, I had the lovely idea of telling him some dad jokes because those always cheer me up:)

Here are a few of the jokes I told (yes, I did steal them from here haha):

What did the lawyer wear to court?

A lawsuit

-----------

What do you call a romantic vampire?

A necromancer

-----------

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2ยฒ

----------

I told more but I don't remember them off the top of my head.

Those jokes did spark conversation and it made me realize how much I missed having chats with my dad.

After about an hour and a half, I unfortunately had to go to bed as I had school in the morning.

However, since then my dad and I have been regularly having chats:)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 117
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/veebesina
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you know cows used to talk?

It's true

Like all beings, the cow was brought into being by the universe.

The cow was very curious about its existence and asked a lot of questions of the universe.

"what am I?" it asked.

"a cow" the universe relied.

"why am I here?" it asked

"to be a cow" the universe relied, and nudged a pile of hay nearby, trying to distract her from digging deeper into that question.

The universe has a lot on its plate, existentially speaking, and in the past its gotten a bit fed up with some of its creatures.

But after what happened to Adam and Eve, the universe learned to be more patient with inquisitive beings.

The success of cats is largely because they take responsibility for their own curiosity.

But the cow was a bit needier, seeking answers rather than exploration.

The universe hoped the smell from the hay would entice it to act rather than ask.

"What's that?" the cow asked.

"Hay" the universe sighed..."for eating," it added, hoping to keep the cow quiet for a while so the universe could focus on other things.

It worked for a while but as soon as the cow's 4 stomachs were full it started asking questions again.

And that's when the universe created a bull.

"And what is that?" she asked

"That's a bull" the universe replied and wiggled its existential eyebrows suggestively.

The cow headed over to the bull and chatted him up, leaving the universe in peace for a while.

The cow was content in until she started started noticing some changes in her body.

"what's this?" she asked, pointing to her swelling body.

"You're pregnant" it replied.

She got really curious about what that meant and became very hyper asking question after question about pregnancy and birth.

She remained excited throughout the gestation, asking questions to prepare for her for the birth.

But when the day came she relaxed, and stayed focused on the task at hand. And after she gave birth, she was exhausted!

Nevertheless, she pulled herself together, looked at the baby that she brought in to the world and, predictably, asked the universe:

"What's that?"

"A calf" the universe sighed, trying to accept the relentless inquisitiveness of the cow.

"Ohhhh!" she sighed, "that explains it!"

The universe blinked. It couldn't help itself.

"Explains what?" it asked.

"Why I'm so tired!"

The universe paused.

"it's because," the cow said, "I'm decalfinated".

And the universe took the power of speech away from the cow for eternity.

... ...

Edited

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 45
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mxcrnt2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Cows in a field.

Just passed a random bit of agricultural land in the suburbs. A few cows were there and my wife, surprised to see them innocently asked how they got there. A truck she asked. GAME ONโ€ฆ

Youโ€™re kidding right, I asked??? Cโ€™monโ€ฆ. Mooo ving van.

Pause for effect and then โ€œUdderly trueโ€. At this point she now catches the udderly part and repeats it. She laughs and I continueโ€ฆ.

Gonna milk this for all itโ€™s worthโ€ฆ

No Bull.

Old jokes but repurposed 1,2,3,4. Happy day all!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EnchantedTikiBird
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was this trampโ€ฆ

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FancyAlligator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Soapy dad jokes Special!

Day 7 of posting soapy dad jokes for a week!

I was going to post just one joke today but due to the situation right now, I have decided to post 7 just to try to lighten the mood a bit.

Here we go...!

  1. Why did the soap cross the road to the beach?

>!to get to the other tides!!<

  1. My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...

>!But it was a pack of lyes!!<

  1. I wanted to do the dishes and wasnโ€™t sure where I put the dish soap.

>!then it dawned on me.!<

  1. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.

>!then it's a soap opera.!<

  1. Last night thieves broke into my house but all they stole was soap.

>!cops say they got away clean!!<

  1. Which is better Shampoo or Conditioner?

>!is it the foamer or the lather?!<

And lastly...

  1. I NEED MORE SOAP PUNS!!

>!All the good ones keep slipping through my fingers! :(!<

Hope you enjoyed that! Please have a nice day!

>!Stay strong, Ukraine!!<

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/graphicc_yt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Shit joke at my cousin's bday thingy

I was the oldest dude there. I'm 34. I dunno why that matters, but yeah.

Group of girls and guys standing around in his backyard, talking about crap.

One of his mates discovers a #4 shaver bit in the grass and picks it up, confused. He says, with the whole group noticing, "Why the hell is this shaver thing on your lawn?"

My cousin kinda shrugs, and the group doesn't really know how to react.

I chime in.

I said, "Hey... He's putting that toward his shavings..."

The group laughs. I'm cool again.

Sounds like bullshit but it just happened. Maybe I'm cool.

Cheers.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zipflop
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a guinness, you idiot. You can also find a stella in carriage 6, dumbass. There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."

I was a bit taken aback at how mean Olf was, but I thanked him for the information. Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.

"Don't worry" he said.

"Rude Olf the red knows train beer."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MathaMeticulous
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. Iโ€™d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since weโ€™re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says โ€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,โ€ a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift Iโ€™m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • Iโ€™m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I donโ€™t really have that โ€œcreativeโ€ part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesnโ€™t matter!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/U2BURR
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.

Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."

I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."

Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 279
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/microseconds
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
old maths teacher joke

Our teacher used to love that joke - 25 years ago...

.

A veteran maths teacher on a crap state-paid salary leaves his local mall and heads for his battered old car. When he has nearly reached it, he sees a big, expensive, luxury vehicle pulling into a parking spot nearby, and when the driver gets out he recognises him as one of the stupidest students he ever had.

He approaches him and the two get chating; and it turns out the guy buys and sells specialised cardboard-boxes which companies use to ship delicate goods in.

Finally the teacher says: "You really seem to have done well for yourself. I must admit that I am a bit surprised. Because you never really were all that talented in shool, were you?"

And the guy smiles and answers: "Yes, well, you know, there is not that much too it, really. I buy cardboard boxes for 1 dollar a piece, and I sell them for 4 dollars a piece. And I live off that 3% profit margin."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Scrugulus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.


So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/t17389z
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

โ€ฆ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skormes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Markwittz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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Where is the Heart of Tefiti?

My 4yo son posed this question to his mother yesterday after watching Moana (again). Since he's 4, he slurs the 't' a bit.

I immediately without hesitation or remorse blurt out "In between the Toesies!"

My wife says she'll need therapy and a support group.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Capnris
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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Dropped this one a week ago. I don't even have a girlfriend.

At a rehearsal for my choir, the director made some last minute changes to the standing arrangements. For a couple songs, we wouldn't be standing in the usual Soprano Alto Tenor Bass formation, but we'd we standing in a way that we were surrounded by people of different sections. As you can imagine, shifting around 4 rows of risers is a bit hectic, so I asked my friend where exactly I had to go.

He told me, "As long as you're mixed, it's okay."

A wave of dark intentions washed over my brain.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "But I'm Chinese".

It took him a full two seconds to register what I just said.

What in the actual fuck is happening to me right now?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fatcat22able
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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My son got a new bike

My 4 year old son got a new bike for his birthday. The bike was newly assembled, but the seat was a bit loose. After a short ride up the driveway and back, my son gets of the bike, bends over and looks under the seat.

Knowing what he's looking for, I say "is your seat a bit loose?"

He looks up at me and, with a perfectly straight face, says "I know exactly what the problem is, Dad. My sitter needs screwed."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ericzhill
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2015
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Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tokyo0709
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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Caught me off guard while we talking about my brother.

Me: I think [brother] needs to get away from electronics a little bit more.

Dad: He doesn't want to leave electronics. He's building an electronic girlfriend... She's a little short wired though.

[ome and a half second pause]

We both burst out laughing [4]

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Captain_PooPoo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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Eyesight test
  1. You will need a few small pieces of paper or 'cards'. Write down a short sentence on each piece starting with a large font and slowly decreasing it as you go. The last piece should have "I can't see" and all of them should be legible from a short distance. Print if you must!
  2. Find a victim friend/child and tell them you have read about an eye test on the internet that you can do at home which will provide an estimate to your eyesight and that you wish to try it on them.
  3. Chances are they will agree. If they're embarrassed their eyesight is bad or similar convince them it doesn't matter. If they are wearing glasses you can ask them to take them off to make your story seem more authentic. Stand a bit away from target (the distance you stand from said person should be enough so they can read all your cards so alter according to their eyesight)
  4. Slowly reveal each card and ask your subject to read them out aloud.
  5. When you reach your final card and they read it out, if they don't suspect anything/get the joke move the card closer and closer until they finally understand.Remember a joke is funnier if you don't tell them, so give them some time to think about what happened! Actions such as slapping your leg, laughing wildly or bashing your fist on the table can help them understand. This is not an actual eyesight test! and use this prank appropriately.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sponge_bob_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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PeeU

Came home from work and my son ran right to me. I knew something was going throught that 4 year olds brain when he ask "um hey daddy?" "Hey buddy what's up?" He then asks " can I get a wiiU?.... being a bit stunned but more witted.... " no but I can get you a peeU" as I fake a fart and lift my leg. Proud me watched as he attempted to use it on his mom and sister.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xstatic6901
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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My dad made the dadliest of jokes.

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,โ€ hang on, werenโ€™t they working for him?โ€ My dad then proceeded to say,โ€not any more. They just got fired.โ€ It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nessmainsarescum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell

So I was at Taco Bell with my dad and when he handed the cashier the money, he got $5 back in cash

When he further inspected it he saw there was a little bit of it torn off.

So then he approached the cashier and said he only got $4.80 back instead of $5

She held back a groan and asked if he wanted a new $5 bill

I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mcguitarman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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