Doggo do pun
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meemlord11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. β€œUno” β€œDos”

And then he vanished, without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookiesncream6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A Spanish-speaking magician announced that would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos...." POOF!

He disappeared without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor to patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes.

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"

She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What do you call a typo on a headstone?

A grave mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheikh_potato
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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You do realise that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?

Mentos.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalbo_boii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberqueue

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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My wife said, β€œYou really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, β€œWhere did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Mexicans eat when it's cold out?

Brrrritos

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?

A sighborg.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

Calcunow

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thespunkmunky
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Dad to his son; β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”

Son; β€œGo on, then.”

Dad growls; β€œNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

Son; β€œThat’s Superman.”

Dad; β€œThanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exmoor456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lifeboat777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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What does a deaf gynecologist do?

He reads lips.

πŸ‘︎ 485
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVengefulKitten
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually..

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/safiyah-l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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How do you turn six into nine?

Remove the β€œs”.

πŸ‘︎ 517
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, β€œUno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopardusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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They do.
πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatguykeith
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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What do Italian ghosts eat?

Spooketti Boolognese.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarnesDude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What do you get when you combine a porcupine and a turtle?

A slowpoke!

*a friend of mine told me this and I thought it would fit well here

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wqiu_f1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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How do pirates like their women?

sCURVY

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savageprofit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?

Kurt and Rod

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4, they'd be called chicken sedans.

πŸ‘︎ 401
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flashblazer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13harry09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we tell actors to β€œbreak a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call peanuts with guns?

Packing Peanuts

πŸ‘︎ 361
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrSwagtasticDDS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

πŸ‘︎ 655
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you kill a BLUE elephant?

Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant? . . . . Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Binksamus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spiderkc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do police get to riots early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/srivapal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaxinit2020
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evihder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bear without an ear?

B

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MudComplete
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?

White Vans

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/no_smoke_fwm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hen that’s good at arithmetic?

A mathamachicken

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ktbugrl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do dads store their jokes?

In a dad-a-base

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chanderjeet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos..." POOF!!

He disappeared without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report

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