So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos...." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
What do you call a typo on a headstone?
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
What do Mexicans eat when it's cold out?
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
What do you call a calculator that works instantly?
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
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What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?
Where do mansplainers get their water?
How do you turn six into nine?
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
What do Italian ghosts eat?
What do you get when you combine a porcupine and a turtle?
A slowpoke!
*a friend of mine told me this and I thought it would fit well here
What do snowmen call their offspring?
How do pirates like their women?
What do you call a fear of giants?
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4, they'd be called chicken sedans.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
What do you call peanuts with guns?
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
How do you kill a BLUE elephant?
Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.
How do you kill a PINK elephant?
.
.
.
.
Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?
Why do police get to riots early?
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
What do you call a bear without an ear?
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
What do you call a hen that’s good at arithmetic?
Where do dads store their jokes?
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos..." POOF!!
He disappeared without a tres.
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