A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.

He says, β€œuno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…

πŸ‘οΈŽ 674
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2020
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My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2021
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Man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks....

"Do you sell flop flops?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 08 2021
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Its 1:30 and im drunk, thought this was comical

What did the hispanic who took 2 too many drugs say? Help i think I over(dos)ed

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gangaking69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 28 2020
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An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there

"For excessive drinking" the officer replies So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 396
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2021
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 216
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CurtCocane
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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Two muffins ... sitting in the oven...

The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 119
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MammaHenn
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2021
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Bullets are real odd

They only do their job once they’re fired

πŸ‘οΈŽ 139
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Geb69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2021
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A woman with two left feet walks into a shoe store

She asks the manager, "excuse me, do you have any flop-flops?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 125
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bowmbaclott
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2021
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If a bunch of people simp for someone....

....do they become a simphony?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 47
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zfreakazoidz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2021
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 27 2020
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Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"

"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 287
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 27 2020
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What did the tree say to his tree girlfriend

I wood do anything for you

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mewzickk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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A father and son were sitting in the woods.

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 94
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/beek77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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A man walks into a bakery holding a crab

The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"

The baker replies "no, we do not."

Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/patentpunk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2021
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If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 23 2021
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Dad joke

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

U.C.L.A...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheChestar
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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Two wrongs don't make a right

But three lefts do

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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Cow jokes that are great for making your kids' eyes roll :

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!

What do you call a cow after it gives birth? De-calf-enated!

Did you hear about that cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

(After they beg you to stop, hit them with: "Ok, it's time too mooooove on to some different jokes. These cow jokes are getting udderly ridiculous.")

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 22 2021
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"Do you know what?"

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/uncorked119
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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Two goldfish are in a tank...

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 54
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2021
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

DO you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/saiyyanwarrior
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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Why do companies prefer people with only one arm instead of people with both arms?

Because people with only one arm can do everything single-handedly

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/YATALAX
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2021
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Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.

Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.

Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?

Dad: Knock Knock.

Me: Who’s there?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NC0828
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 09 2020
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The sign said "No Trespassing"...

... So we went past it in pairs. That was only "dos-passing".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 48
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OligarchBrawler
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 20 2020
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My friend wanted to show me a dad joke on here

I just haven’t reddit yet

Edit: omg i never expected this to do so good, i usually get 3/4 upvotes, thank you all so much!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 127
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Akorical
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 13 2021
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It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV

But Abu Dhabi Do

πŸ‘οΈŽ 61
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Whelan99
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2021
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Quack

What do you call a duck who's on drugs?

a QUACK HEAD

Someone probably already thought of that but whatever

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mr_skunk88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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A man walks into the doctor's office

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.

"Like a glove."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 150
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 27 2021
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What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear What I Hear?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 918
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TaurusGuy813
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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A chicken and a duck are stood by a road

Chicken clucks to his friend "don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fuzzy-chin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 01 2021
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"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."

"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me Β£400."

So I gave him Β£400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2021
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I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her breaststroke out, feeding her son on the bus."

She said, "It's a natural thing to do."

"Natural", I retorted. "She was giving him chips."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 22 2021
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Pun

I just realized that Canadians have the best currency, they can buy things with it AND do 3D modeling!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Niswendel
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 05 2021
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my first good pun...made at 1 in the morning

WHAT DO YOU SAY IN FRANCE IF YOUR JEANS ARE LOOSE ?

TOULOUSE

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tanya2004
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 09 2021
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There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 57
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2021
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My 5 year old got me (her dad) with a dad joke

Where do hamburgers go when they want to dance? A meat ball!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FilthyBeaver
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2021
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What do you call a polar bear living in Florida?

A solar bear

Bonus: what do you call a bear that practices dentistry?

A molar bear

πŸ‘οΈŽ 66
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/westsoutheast
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2021
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So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 05 2021
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/idontgetnopaper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2021
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I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler

Me: What'd you do today?

My toddler: Nothing

Me: Are you sure about that?

My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/doublet4p
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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Why do socket wrenches make bad lovers?

All they do is nut and bolt

πŸ‘οΈŽ 62
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Chc36
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2021
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I don't always eat breakfast

But when I do, I prefer dos eggies 🍳🍳

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Font_Fetish
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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Fog

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/peterbishopisnotdead
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 13 2021
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My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.

Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?

"No... Why..?"

Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/der_innkeeper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2021
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If alcohol can damage your short term memory

Imagine the damage alcohol can do.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 96
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nav_the_gamer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
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A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks...

"Do you sell flip flips?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 225
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of three

Uno.... Dos..... Poof

He disappeared without a tres

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/growupyall
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 19 2020
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