Z Pinch Puns

Don't pinch me.

Take it with a pinch of salt

I take it with a pinch of sugar.

Every time I've ever told my dad: "I don't feel good" or "I feel weird" he walks over, pinches my arm lightly and says "yeah, you DO feel weird" and it never fails to make me smile

She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."

"Me too," I replied.

She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."

So I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."

Pinche Carbon!

I took it with a pinch of salt

I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.

Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...

So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."

Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."

The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.

Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.

Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"

Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".

Unamused 18 year old daughter.

He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.

Son: Dang. The cops got me.

Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)

BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.

Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.

Person1: How do you kill a Blue Elephant?

Person2: I don't know

P1: With a Blue Elephant gun, how do you kill a Pink Elephant?

P2: With a ponk Elephant gun?

P1: No, you pinch it's nose until it turns blue and kill it with a Blue Elephant gun.

Dad: pinches me in the arm

Me: "Ow!!! What was that for?!"

Dad: "There, now your toe doesn't hurt anymore.

every. fucking. time.

I've been feeling the pinch lately.

I pulled my chopsticks out of the paper sleeve they come in, and one of them was broken at the tip.

Me: "Damn. One of my chopsticks is messed up."

Dad: "They may be damaged, but they'll do in a pinch!"

I facepalmed as he started cracking up.

The guy puts down the beer and runs away. Spidey picks up the beer to take it back to the store, but he pauses. In a moment of weakness, he takes the beer home for himself.

That's how Peter Parker pinched a pack of pilfered Pilsners.

he reaches over and pinches my nipple

BOOOOOBEE!

Me and a bunch of guys were sitting around playing cards while some other scouts were having ice cream. My dad grabs the sprinkles, walks up to us, and starts throwing small pinches of sprinkles at us. He proceeds to say "You guys better get your raincoats, it's sprinkling"

They really come in handy in a pinch.

Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.

MariSunday, you were born because your Mom stole my sperm. Your little sister was a poop I took. The craziest part was when she tried to climb back in.

Have another for free- because you can only post one every 8 minutes.

Dad: How does the horse bite the pumpkin???!!! Me: NO DAD NOT AGAIN! Dad: LIKE THIS! pinches my leg super hard