Year 9 Puns

Quaranteens.

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

A carrot.

Bakin'

Apparently he was last seen applying a cream that made him 10 years younger

So in my best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice I said, "Luke, use the fork!"

What is the stupidest thing in the universe?

A black hole, because it's so dense!

My daughter didnt know what an inside joke was. After I explained it to her, she then announces an outside joke must be "knock knock...."

I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8

Amazon Prime.

Mario Kart is a rally hard game

They're my 9 to 5.

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.

We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.

"Where's the bread?"

I responded, "that is a prime example."

Her: is root beer good for you? Me: no soda is good for you Her: then why do they make it? Me: because people will still buy it knowing what it does to them Her: that's soda-pressing Me: sigh

Friend: I don't think I'm gonna take the essay part of the SAT if it's optional now Little Sister: But then you'll only be taking a T

The mom's in the room were really confused at first then groaned. I for one know a dad joke when I hear one

They were ripped.

I am proud to say I hit one of them

-Gary delaney

Me- Archer, did you have a cookie? A- no Me- grab a cookie and name it yours. A- I take this cookie and name it Yours. (A couple seconds go by. ) A- papa? Me- yeah bud. A- I gave my cookie a name. I can’t eat it... can I have another? (Failed winking)

Pretentious.

PRE-TEN(age 10)-TIOUS.

I'm sorry.

9yo: Mom, what are you listening to?

Wife: Pandora

9yo: What station?

Wife: OK Go.

9yo: OK, I'll go.

And my 9yo proceeded to walk out the door. I was so proud! Had a little tear in my eye and everything.

“SATurn”

Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"

This kid is going places.

I was telling my girlfriend her new pillowcases she bought were uncomfortable and she said they shouldn't be they're Egyptian cotton and my daughter said why have you got Egyptian Cotton....is it because you're a Mummy howls with laughter at her own joke

Traveling in the car with the family, my daughter points out a billboard with a cat sporting a mustache.

Me: "You mean a meow-stache?" (ok, lame, but still...)

[whole family groans]

My son: "They should have used a cow. Then it would have been a moo-stache."

[and a proud little tear fell from my eye...]

Because it was a model.

We are watching football and they just kicked an extra point. He says to me that it would be pretty cool if the net wasnt there and it hit the screen behind it... i told him that it wouldnt be very cool... and he came back with "i would call it a screen shot"

Russian dolls are so full of themselves!

It's raining really bad right now (we live in Florida). There's rain, thunder & lighting. I was in my bedroom when we hear a loud thunder clap. I heard my daughter scream & I instinctively ran to her room. She sees me, starts to laugh & says "daddy, I wasn't that scared". I reply "sorry baby, I was just checking". She goes "I'm ok, it just shocked me" & then laughed.

My 9 year old asked me today: _Daddy what one ocean said to the other? _No idea honey, what? _Nothing, they just WAVED.

Where do ants really want to live?

Where?

Antarctica!

Where does aunt Leah want to live?

England?

no!

Colorado? (For obvious reasons)

no!

Where buddy?

Antarctica!

Without hesitation she said, "go get me a present and some paper"...

She's now called dad...

I was telling the kids about a cat I had when was their age and how she loved Tandoori chicken. I explained that when we used to order in Indian food she would sit on the arm of the sofa waiting for someone to bring a chicken leg up to their mouth and then, quick as a flash, swipe it out of their hand and run off with it.

Quick as a flash, my boy said "Well, it WAS a takeaway"

So proud....

We just went out for breakfast and this was the exchange between my boys:

M- Ahh jeez! These cinnamon rolls are hot!"

J- "...Well, yeah? That's just how cinnamon rolls"

M- sigh "yeah?"

I told her to just "let it go."

I told my brother about a joke that goes like this

"If you cut your left hand, your right hand will be left"

He responded with:

"If you cut your right hand, your left hand will be right... right where it belongs"

Scene: We are preparing for Trick or Treating tomorrow and picked out her costume. It included gloves in the costume.

Her: We need to go to the store so I can get different gloves for the costume.

Me: Didn't it come with gloves?

Her: Yes, but they didn't fit. . . Like a glove. . .

Me: Oh. Good. Lord.

Post Script. She knew she dad joked because after she asked, "Get it? Fit like a glove. . ."

"Oh, sure, honey. Does your face hurt, too?"

"No, wh--"

"Because it's killing me!"

My husband laughed, so I feel pretty good about it.

He signed onto AOL and when it said "You've got mail!" (this was the first time I'd heard it), he said "It's a little late for the mail man, you mind getting it?" I went to check the mailbox and came back inside confused with no mail and found him stifling back laughter.

My kids have a friend staying over for the weekend.

Wife: I'm going to run up to Publix real quick. I'll be back in a minute.

Kid: You can run pretty fast.

Wife: "Do you know Trevor Wang?"

My 9 year old son Xavier: "You mean Trevor Wong? Yeah, he's a trouble maker."

Wife: "Trevor? No he's not, he's a good kid."

Me: "I think Xavier's right and Trevor's Wong."

rimshot

I actually got a laugh. I'm gonna savor this time while my son still likes my dad jokes.

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.

We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.