I think sex education is a great idea in schools.
I just don't think the kids should be given homework.
In scotland we name all our road gritters pun based names
Why do educated people tend to be hotter than uneducated people?
What is made of cheese and found in Scotland?
Thinking of holidaying in the highlands of Scotland?
why are educated people so hot?
Why is it hard to break into Scotland?
Why are fish the most educated animal?
Thy spend their whole life in a school.
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
I'm here is Scotland and quarantine has me feeling all out of sorts...
And there is nothing worse for a Scot than being off kilter.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What are the last words of the physical education teacher?
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Falling in love is dangerous.
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
Why is it better to get beer in Ireland than in Scotland?
Because in Ireland they Dublin size!
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
How do crabs get to school?
They use the side walk!
- came up with this while walking to work today (I work in education)*
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
Can you name 3 places in Scotland that are also the names of Grand Prix winning racing drivers?
-
(Lewis) Hamilton
-
Stirling (Moss)
-
Ayr Town Centre!!!
Live savings spent in a second
Why are educated people hotter?
Because they have more degrees
Do you know why educated people are hotter than others ?
Because they have more degrees.
Why are educated people so much hotter?
Because they got more degrees
Educated people are hot.
Because they have more degrees.
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