Because they don't have pockets.
You Dont Know How It Peels
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
A hammer.
Dang, it feels like that was about A WEEK AGO...
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
Because it was a kidnap
A meteorite is a small meteor, right?
Full credit to my son, he will truly make a great dad some day.
Cashews are bankers.
Peanuts are urologists.
And Chestnuts are plastic surgeons.
The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
None of them were Happy :-(
Sorry for going on a tangent
I'm a huge pianist
“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.
On a bike ride, we saw some ducks on a pond.
"Daddy! What does a hungry duck eat?" "...." "A QUACKer!!!"
She hasn't stopped laughing at herself, and it's been almost an hour!
We're watching "The Floor is Lava." One of the contestants is swinging across some bars.
She says, "she must have played on the monkey bars at school when she was a kid."
I say, "a lot of people did. I did."
She says "I played on them when I was a kid too."
That would be earlier today then.
I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Because he was programmed too 🤦🏻
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
I was the strongest 6 year old in the country
My 6 year old son came running into the room and said, "Dad is your shirt blue?"
"Yes it is buddy."
"Why don't you cheer it up then?" And then he left the room.
Son: So, what do you want to be when you grow up...? Daughter : well, I think I want to stay a person...
Thanks to my 2020 vision.
Him - Why is it called "Black Widow, Baby"?
Me - Because Black Widows are notorious for killing their husbands.
Him - It should be called "Black Bear Pirate"
Me - Why?
Him - Because they say "You should've known better than to mess with me honey."
Daughter: Do you know what my favorite kind of bird is?
Me: Cockatiels? (my educated guess since we have two)
Daughter: No, it's an owl.
Me: Who?
Daughter: An owl.
Me: Who?
Daughter: AN OWL!
Me: Who? (while laughing)
Daughter: Daddy... (finally catches on, but not amused)
BOOM! (followed by exploding rock hand gesture)
I quickly replied "We'd lend you a hand." My girlfriend and I burst out laughing!
My son said, "look dad, they're all lovey-dovey!"
Never been more proud!
Lamasines.
Her: Knock, Knock..
Me: Come in...
I then spent the next 10 minutes trying to make her stop crying because I ruined her joke.
Sitting in my comfy chair playing overwatch. She jumps on my head from behind.
I say(sort of mad), "what do you think you're doing"
She replies(cooly), "watching you play overwatch over you."
My kid is too cool for me,
I said sure
She responds "Nevermind it's kind of cheesy"
She's well on her way
Me (talking about work): “I just want to get ahead.” Her: “Dad, you already have a head.”
Brings tears to my eyes.
In the mail today we got out 1 year old Halloween costume. We tried it on her to make sure it fit. She was still wearing it when my 6 year old gets off the school bus. After seeing her sisters costume the older daughter asks "Did that just come today?" Without missing a beat I tell her "no, we had her just over a year ago." I got groans from the daughter, wife, and wife's mom who was on the phone at the time.
Had bought 6yo new shoes. They were still tied together with elastic. He brings them out the next morning to the kitchen
6yo: Dad, can you cut these apart so I can wear them? Hubby: Hang on, I'm just making a sandwich. I'm hungry. 6yo: Hi Hungry, I'm (6yo). OOOOHHHHHH DAD JOKE! I GOT YOU!!!
Our boy loves dad jokes!
We were getting ready to leave for the gym when his little brother walks in wearing a Superman costume and yells, "I'M THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!!!!" My friend was annoyed with his brother and scoffed something about, "Luke you can't even bench the bar." Luke starts to giggle and said, "I bench you I can!"
After I got done painting her toenails I asked, "how does it look?"
"Toeriffic"
Kid: "How many suns does Mercury have?"
Me: "One"
Kid: "How many suns does Venus have?"
Me: "One"
Kid: "How many sons does Earth have?"
Me: "One"
Kid: "Wrong, there's millions and millions of sons. I'm a son, you're a son, all boys on earth are sons."
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
Thanks to my 2020 vision.
