I’m living willfully ignorant...
What breakfast pastry willfully causes more pain and suffering than a donut?
When someone makes a bad pun:
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Pixar collection, except from one
He’s never gonna give you Up
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
You look for fresh prints
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
I have a hunch you will like this joke
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Only 90' kids will remember this
I’m driving through England, and will be staying in Greenwich tomorrow.
Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.
I told my suit cases just how There will be no holiday this year
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage
The fly fishing tournament will not have spectators this year.
But it will be LIVE STREAMED.
What will you call it if an immigrant starts arguing with a priest?
A last will and testament is...
Brain transplants will never work
I will never name my child Vince
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I saw a blind man who said, "One day I will see it all."
Then he sat down with his hammer and saw.
This support group will help you recharge
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will "punch" a fish for no reason other than spite
That's called Toxic Molluskulinity.
You're damn right it will
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
I wrote a will today
I really hope Mr. Smith gets back to me.
My daughter goes to a school that requires a uniform. Occasionally, the administration will reward the children with a free dress day.
For some reason, my daughter never comes home with her free dress...???
"Will those lobsters share their food?"
"No, they're two shellfish."
What do you call a friend who will even go for a walk with you in the rain to listen to your worries?
A rainbro
(Recommended soundtrack for this joke: Bob Marley: Sun is shining. You’ll see why)
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
This pandemic will most likely be remembered as the....
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
Elon musk will be disappointed
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth - and won a toaster.
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
Those who think the COVID-19 vaccine will modify their DNA
Should see it as an opportunity
No one will ever make a successful video game about running a coffee shop.
Gamers would never put up with the amount of grinding required.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
I'm not sure when my plane will get here
It's pretty up in the air right now
Will glass coffins become popular?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
Do you think glass coffins will ever be a thing?
The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problem."
I said, "Where the fuck am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"
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