Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
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︎ Aug 19 2020
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
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︎ Apr 15 2021
We know the Panama has had its problems, and the Suez had that ship stuck recently, but my co-worker must know of another problematic waterway. Every day he yells out...
โFar Canal. I hate this placeโ.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Why do we base our work around 7 days instead of a fortnight?
Because working for a fortnight would make everyone too weak.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I saw a sign the other day, "we sell moving boxes"
I guess they don't sell stationery boxes.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
We used to have a Teacherโs assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- heโs only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My dad after we almost hit a deer in the car the other day:
"You know, he's an expert in his field."
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
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︎ Nov 06 2020
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Aug 04 2019
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weโre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, โwhere do I drop it off?โ
She says, โGo in the front door and thereโs a little desk that you -โ
โDonโt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?โ
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
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︎ Nov 18 2020
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and sheโs been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
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︎ Jun 04 2020
What a sexist society we live in, today is National Daughter's Day and it's celebrated once a year.....
But we celebrate Son day every week!
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︎ Sep 26 2020
We preserve objects very well these days.
Soon, artefacts may just become a thing of the past.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
At the end of the day we can say 2020 wasn't so bad.
Because hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Aug 31 2020
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
21st June 2020 lies on Sunday, which is also Father's Day, but since we have Solar Eclipse on that day, it's actually Sun-day.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said โin my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!โ and โwe grew up with nothing but we were happyโ...
I replied โWell Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!โ
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︎ Nov 03 2019
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
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︎ Jun 22 2020
We had a kidnapping at our school the other day
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
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︎ Jul 09 2020
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
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︎ May 04 2019
We will find you one day, space cowboy <3 We will not lose the Opportunity...
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︎ Feb 14 2019
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, โIโm having a T party.โ
I chortled.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote โAntโ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I went out with a girl the other day, she said "We should have dinner together again"
I said "No thanks I'm already pretty full"
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︎ Jan 29 2020
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
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︎ May 10 2020
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with โNo, not Eni.โ
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︎ May 14 2020
At the end of the day, weโre all Human Beans.
And together, we will rice.
Lettuce Pray.
Ramen.
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︎ Dec 01 2019
So, we were driving down the road the other day.
We passed by a cemetery and my dad said that people are just dying to get in there.
*** probably a repost but it's the best joke my dad told me from long ago
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︎ Dec 15 2019
At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here?
Me: I donโt know about you, but I drove to work.
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︎ Aug 23 2019
My kidโs pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we canโt find it.
Now heโs just some bunny we used to know.
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︎ Jun 11 2019
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
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︎ Oct 03 2019
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
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︎ Nov 27 2019
My dad's a doctor, and we got this in the mail a couple days ago.
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︎ May 23 2019
Happy Labor Day to all the moms out there. We appreciate you!
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︎ Sep 02 2019
So our P.E teacher said we are only having Omnikin for one day
But the next day, we had Omnikin. So I told my friend, "You gotta be Omnikidding me!"
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︎ Oct 21 2019
If we breathe oxygen during the day what do we breathe at night
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︎ Feb 18 2019
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Mar 24 2020
At the end of the day we're all human beans
And together, we will rice!
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︎ Feb 20 2020
At the end of the day, we are all just human beans.
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︎ Aug 06 2019
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