Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
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︎ Nov 06 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weโre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, โwhere do I drop it off?โ
She says, โGo in the front door and thereโs a little desk that you -โ
โDonโt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?โ
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
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︎ Oct 28 2020
What a sexist society we live in, today is National Daughter's Day and it's celebrated once a year.....
But we celebrate Son day every week!
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︎ Sep 26 2020
We preserve objects very well these days.
Soon, artefacts may just become a thing of the past.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and sheโs been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
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︎ Jun 04 2020
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
At the end of the day we can say 2020 wasn't so bad.
Because hindsight is 2020.
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︎ Aug 31 2020
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Aug 04 2019
21st June 2020 lies on Sunday, which is also Father's Day, but since we have Solar Eclipse on that day, it's actually Sun-day.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
We had a kidnapping at our school the other day
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
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︎ Jun 22 2020
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, โIโm having a T party.โ
I chortled.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote โAntโ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
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︎ Jun 27 2020
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said โin my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!โ and โwe grew up with nothing but we were happyโ...
I replied โWell Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!โ
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
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︎ May 10 2020
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with โNo, not Eni.โ
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︎ May 14 2020
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
I went out with a girl the other day, she said "We should have dinner together again"
I said "No thanks I'm already pretty full"
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︎ Jan 29 2020
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
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︎ May 04 2019
At the end of the day we're all human beans
And together, we will rice!
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︎ Feb 20 2020
We will find you one day, space cowboy <3 We will not lose the Opportunity...
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︎ Feb 14 2019
So, we were driving down the road the other day.
We passed by a cemetery and my dad said that people are just dying to get in there.
*** probably a repost but it's the best joke my dad told me from long ago
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︎ Dec 15 2019
At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here?
Me: I donโt know about you, but I drove to work.
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︎ Aug 23 2019
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
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︎ Nov 27 2019
My kidโs pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we canโt find it.
Now heโs just some bunny we used to know.
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︎ Jun 11 2019
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
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︎ Oct 03 2019
I've been falling deeper in love with my SO since we started dating. Last night, a typo started an impromptu pun-off. I'm going to marry her one day.
imgur.com/hGesY0K
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︎ Feb 27 2019
Happy Labor Day to all the moms out there. We appreciate you!
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︎ Sep 02 2019
So our P.E teacher said we are only having Omnikin for one day
But the next day, we had Omnikin. So I told my friend, "You gotta be Omnikidding me!"
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︎ Oct 21 2019
My dad's a doctor, and we got this in the mail a couple days ago.
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︎ May 23 2019
Wife: You know, we havenโt had a hug in days...
Husband: Yeah, I prefer Ben & Jerryโs.
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︎ Jul 25 2019
If we breathe oxygen during the day what do we breathe at night
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︎ Feb 18 2019
After making out with my clone, I kept talking about how in my day, we didn't have sex until marriage.
There I go dating myself again.
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︎ Jul 29 2019
Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.
We sorted sorta sordid sodas.
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︎ Jun 23 2019
I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,
I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"
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︎ Jul 06 2019
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
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︎ Mar 17 2019
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Mar 24 2020
At the end of the day, weโre all Human Beans.
And together, we will rice.
Lettuce Pray.
Ramen.
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︎ Dec 01 2019
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Oct 15 2019
Happy Labor day to all the moms out there. We appreciate everything you went through!
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︎ Sep 03 2018
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