Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
What a sexist society we live in, today is National Daughter's Day and it's celebrated once a year.....
But we celebrate Son day every week!
We preserve objects very well these days.
Soon, artefacts may just become a thing of the past.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
At the end of the day we can say 2020 wasn't so bad.
Because hindsight is 2020.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
21st June 2020 lies on Sunday, which is also Father's Day, but since we have Solar Eclipse on that day, it's actually Sun-day.
We had a kidnapping at our school the other day
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
We took Grandpa sledging the other day and he caught a terrible cold. Grandma put goosefat all over his chest.
He went downhill pretty quick after that.
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”
I chortled.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”...
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with “No, not Eni.”
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
I went out with a girl the other day, she said "We should have dinner together again"
I said "No thanks I'm already pretty full"
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
At the end of the day we're all human beans
And together, we will rice!
We will find you one day, space cowboy <3 We will not lose the Opportunity...
So, we were driving down the road the other day.
We passed by a cemetery and my dad said that people are just dying to get in there.
*** probably a repost but it's the best joke my dad told me from long ago
At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here?
Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.
Now he’s just some bunny we used to know.
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
I've been falling deeper in love with my SO since we started dating. Last night, a typo started an impromptu pun-off. I'm going to marry her one day.
imgur.com/hGesY0K
Happy Labor Day to all the moms out there. We appreciate you!
So our P.E teacher said we are only having Omnikin for one day
But the next day, we had Omnikin. So I told my friend, "You gotta be Omnikidding me!"
My dad's a doctor, and we got this in the mail a couple days ago.
Wife: You know, we haven’t had a hug in days...
Husband: Yeah, I prefer Ben & Jerry’s.
If we breathe oxygen during the day what do we breathe at night
After making out with my clone, I kept talking about how in my day, we didn't have sex until marriage.
There I go dating myself again.
Spent all day rinsing several palates of damaged Coca-Cola cans at the food bank today. The stuff at the bottom was ... gross. At home mom asked what we did.
We sorted sorta sordid sodas.
I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,
I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
At the end of the day, we’re all Human Beans.
And together, we will rice.
Lettuce Pray.
Ramen.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Happy Labor day to all the moms out there. We appreciate everything you went through!
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