A seal waddles into a bar...

The bartender asks,"What will it be mr. Seal?"

He replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Waddle I do with all these puns?
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightOfVanity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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A Pink-Backed Pelican waddles into a bar...

He orders two pints of lager, a shot of whiskey and a packet of salted cashews. The bartender says, β€œAnd how will you be paying for all this?” The Pink-Backed Pelican ruffles his feathers and replies, β€œPut it on my bill.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EllisDeWald
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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What does the penguin waiter says?

Waddle'll it be?

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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How does a penguin build it’s house?

Igloos it together!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpaicSpace7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Duck farts
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Axiom_117
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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What's a duck's favorite restaurant?

Quacker Barrel!

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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I APOLOGIZE IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED ALREADY

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, β€œWhat’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, β€œWhat’s in the sack?” The man again replies, β€œIt’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, β€œLook, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, β€œWow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. β€œThis thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, β€œCan I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. β€œI wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, β€œYou’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, β€œI know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arandomduckdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I rear ended a dwarf in a mini...

He hopped out, waddled over, and signalled me to wind down my window.

As the window came down, red in the face he yelled β€œI AM NOT HAPPY!”

To which I replied, β€œWell which one are you then?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seshimus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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I think this pig rock is stoned
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pocket4me
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover his butt quack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ftbh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, so the duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes."

The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
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A penguin walks into a barbershop in Brooklyn.

Barber says, β€œWaddle it, B.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghoully-B
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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What do you call a flightless bird hammering your knee?

A painguin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pullarius
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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My dad is fat, my mom is fat, I'm fat, my son is fat...

I guess you could say obesity waddles in our family

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastProtagonist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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I stayed in Australia for a while and was rewarded with the ultimate Dad story

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not β€” when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though β€” Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems β€” so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L1AM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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My college roommate's dad told this one

A pirate goes into a bar, with a ship's wheel (the kind that changes the direction of the rudder) sticking out of his pants. He awkwardly waddles up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender pours the pirate a drink remarks that the wheel looks very uncomfortable. The pirate replies, "Yarr, it's steering me balls!"

Yes, that was the punchline. Every single time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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I need as many duck puns as you guys can give me.

My marketing class is doing a fundraiser for the girls basketball team and it involves chucking rubber ducks.

The event is called chuck a duck and I need as many punny ideas to photoshop into posters as possible.

Also historic events that replace people with rubber ducks helps too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzyblackyeti
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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A duck walks into the bar.

The bartender asks, β€œWaddle it be?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porpois
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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