4 way pun for weapon

An emperor decided his population was rising too fast and decided to decrease the numbest. Bunches of generous birth and death control methods did he come up with, but the most dastardly scheme was the Neat Edict. His subjects, however, bitterly called it The Press Test.

The emperor, you see, founded a law that anyone found wearing rumpled clothing, after being fined, would find a rock, then use his or her (or their) own forehead(s) as an iron...to press and press to reduce the crinkles in the clothes to half, then half of that, then half of that... As the victims wept, the soldiers jeered at the poor souls and mocked them: "Press! Press! They were halving a bawl.

To the despot's calculated glee, no one could pass The Press Test. As sure as waking up with a sniffle, everyone starts off with a crumple in the blouse and more get added as the day goes by. So there was no shortage of victims squirted into The Press Test arena.

First it was 12 creases legislated, then 5. It soon became Three and then One, before ending in none. By slowly reducing the number of creases permitted in clothing, the whole population was soon caught up in the Emperor's net. It was most unfair, but no matter how hard they pressed for freedom from The Press, the population steadily dwindled.

The approximately equally wicked emperor of the next fiefdom, taking sadistic note, invited his neighbour over to congratulate him. "How did you achieve that?", Vile asked Evil over a poisoned lunch.

Clutching at the tablecloth as he went down writhing, he nevertheless had a last grasp answer:

"By gradual decrees"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodiusRex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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What sort of musical instrument resembles a bad hotel?

A vile-inn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garyfire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2021
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The filthiest pub I was ever in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2021
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Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed

Everybody.

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Have you heard of the Fiddle Tavern?

It's also called the Vile Inn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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What Instrument is always on Drugs?

The Hi-Hat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/G4dgey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
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Dad in training...

My partner and I went in for her first appointment since we found out she is pregnant. While taking blood, she said, "that's a lot of vials." Immediately, I respond with, "I don't know why people call them that. I don't think they are so vile."

How am I doing? Will I make a good dad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_a_goat_irl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 621
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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The worst hotel I've ever stayed in was called "The Fiddle".

It was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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The worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle

It was a vile inn

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RocketButtMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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The worst hotel I ever stayed at was called β€˜The Fiddle’

It was a vile inn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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The local bar is called The Fiddle,

but I never drink there. It’s a vile inn.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"

It really was a vile Inn.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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