They want it CRISPR
I'm now charged with photoshoplifting.
What a stupid thing to fallout 4
They are calling it the iPatch.
It was a bad Hobbit.
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
I guess that's just the Al Gore Rhythm.
“Make sure to Lycan subscribe”
It's because they're on a hard drive.
Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.
I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.
When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."
From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"
Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.
Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
But now I stand corrected.
So I decided to just cut to the chase.
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Son: Do I need to turn out off and on again?
Wife: Just stop hitting the buttons, it's frozen.
Me: No, this is The Secret Life of Pets.
The sweet music of exasperated sighs.
Like, "Who's blood is this?", "How did you get it?"
"Why is it in a bucket?"
Because it's made from hide!
Transparent
(sorry it sucks, it's like 2:30 in the morning right now and I haven't slept)
(Edit: holy shit! I wasn't expecting this to get so many upvotes. Also thanks for the awards guys, I really appreciate it!)
Now he's an x-boxer.
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂
ME: ...And?
It's totally clips of the heart.
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
Ian
"Okay, I'll give it a shot"
I'm sorry
And she said "wii"
It was Layheehoo
Edit: thank you sooo much for so many awards. Made my day.
Pure bred redemption 2
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
Mentos
It would play various notes and tones, and hold them out over a period of a few seconds. The idea was that you would subconsciously learn it as you slept.
Being a musician, this seemed like a incredible prospect, and so I listened to it via headphones as I slept.
I don’t remember much from what I heard, but my wife said my snoring took on different notes every few seconds.
They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
Rick n' roll
Edit: It's supposed to be rick Astley lmao autocorrect
Because he wanted space
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
An iPatch
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
I’m sure someone else invented it but I couldn’t be prouder.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4. It Sims totally unreasonable.
