I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.
Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.
They are key workers
... the other 98% of milk?
I think they called her Shakeyra!
Because they're out of key.
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
With a wook-key.
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
New Foreskin Unlocked.
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
This was before I learned the true meaning of “safe sex.”
Toe key, yo
Yorkie.
With a doo-key
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.
"That's easy. These are khakis."
You gotta be keydding me.
I'm visiting my folks and my sister is over as well, and we're all eating the Popeye's. This is my dad's first time having it.
Sister: "Hey, so do you like this or KFC better?"
Dad: "Hmmm. I think I like this better actually, the quality at KFC has gone down lately."
Me: "Yeah. It used to be KFC. Now it's just OKFC"
And guys. My dad laughed. Did I make it? :')
They're always in neutral.
P.S. Made a joke similar to this about a coworker who is runner from Switzerland. He actually groaned.
*ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED*
So I took off my pants, rolled them up and rubbed them on the car door. The car unlocked.
I'm so glad I was wearing my khaki trousers.
... but I decided it would be easier just to unlock the door and let him in.
He wanted to show me something on his phone and handed it to me. The screen was off and when I turned it on the PIN came up to unlock it. He says "Ohh the password is (He just does a short laugh like "Hahahaha")"
Turns out Ha is Thai for 5. Also, that was all he wanted to show me.
So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.
My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..
My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..
Achievement unlocked..
Me: "Honey, please. It's 2017. I think they prefer the term 'cheegroes'."
Eyes were rolled, sighs were sighed. Dadjoke achievement unlocked.
So I need a pun or simply clever line for a lock breaking-up with a key. Some ideas I've had include:
>"You just don't unlock me"
>"I don't think we're a good fit"
I realize these aren't really puns, but /r/DoubleEntendres doesn't have quite as much traffic. Any help would be appreciated!
My friend had her Facebook taken over by her brother for the second time in two days. First post was "I'm gay" to which she posted the obligatory "Oh no I left my phone unlocked" status. Today her Dad made an amazing comment on the latest status.
I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJQ2wcYjBo
Who's there? EA. EA who? Sorry that'll be $4.99 or wait 3 hours to unlock this answer.
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno
... keep reading on reddit ➡Dad: "What's the pass-code for your iPhone?"
Mum: "The year I was born"
Dad: "I don't see B.C anywhere..."
(laughs to himself while he unlocks the iPhone to play Candy Crush)
Me: Shall I leave the door*? Dad: Well, don't take it with you! *i.e. unlocked
Got a text from a friend trying to sell his iPhone: "Hey, any thoughts on how to unlock this iPhone? I've looked online and can't figure it out."
I responded in helpful dad fashion: "Did you try the key?"
