My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said β€œin my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and β€œwe grew up with nothing but we were happy”...

I replied β€œWell Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-howl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old

What's the opposite of an Octagon?

An Octa-returned!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darcys_beard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.

Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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There have been years of analysis by mainframe computers but it was a humble supermarket self checkout which finally unlocked the secrets of how dogs communicate with each other.

Apparently, it's a series of bark codes.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2017
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Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarBoobSale
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Studying has driven me to unlock my full puntential v.redd.it/keun3ybkhg851
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Moth_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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What unlocks a haunted house?

Spooky

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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What if we could unlock ...

... the other 98% of milk?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Did you hear about the popstar who could unlock anything?

I think they called her Shakeyra!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buttbits
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Why can't bad singers ever unlock a door?

Because they're out of key.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me

I bet you have another pair exactly like that.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbinternetstuff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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How do you unlock the Millennium Falcon?

With a wook-key.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Ted Talk -Ted Bundy- Unlocking Necrophilia and its implications in modern society.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/netdoppler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Challenge: No Nut November Accomplished

New Foreskin Unlocked.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
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If you use a fingerprint scanning system for your house's entrance, then you literally "press Home to unlock". reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Faebulous_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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I took my girlfriend to a vault once.

This was before I learned the true meaning of β€œsafe sex.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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How does a Japanese person with no hands unlock their door?

Toe key, yo

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukaisora_
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Which chocolate bar will unlock the front door?

Yorkie.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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How do you unlock the bathroom when you're in a hurry?

With a doo-key

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddhaplayshockey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.

A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it.

"That's easy. These are khakis."

πŸ‘︎ 644
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electricalalarm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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What kind of key opens no doors?

A Turkey

πŸ‘︎ 742
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mustachereviews
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
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What do you say after you lose your keys?

You gotta be keydding me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charr_Butt
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I brought home Popeye's for my family for dinner.

I'm visiting my folks and my sister is over as well, and we're all eating the Popeye's. This is my dad's first time having it.

Sister: "Hey, so do you like this or KFC better?"

Dad: "Hmmm. I think I like this better actually, the quality at KFC has gone down lately."

Me: "Yeah. It used to be KFC. Now it's just OKFC"

And guys. My dad laughed. Did I make it? :')

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ieGod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
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Why are there no winning race car drivers from Switzerland?

They're always in neutral.

P.S. Made a joke similar to this about a coworker who is runner from Switzerland. He actually groaned.

*ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED*

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigger3370
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I locked my keys in the car...

So I took off my pants, rolled them up and rubbed them on the car door. The car unlocked.

I'm so glad I was wearing my khaki trousers.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerZA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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The surgeon was about to perform keyhole surgery on me...

... but I decided it would be easier just to unlock the door and let him in.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtcarr79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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My Thai girlfriend's dad just dropped a multi language dad joke on me.

He wanted to show me something on his phone and handed it to me. The screen was off and when I turned it on the PIN came up to unlock it. He says "Ohh the password is (He just does a short laugh like "Hahahaha")"

Turns out Ha is Thai for 5. Also, that was all he wanted to show me.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChefAllez
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Today my wife finally made it to the dark side after years of groans

So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.

My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..

My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..

Achievement unlocked..

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrowlinson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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My wife: "I don't think the kids should play in the woods anymore. There might be chiggers this time of year."

Me: "Honey, please. It's 2017. I think they prefer the term 'cheegroes'."

Eyes were rolled, sighs were sighed. Dadjoke achievement unlocked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Idontlikejokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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Punsters of Reddit, I need your help

So I need a pun or simply clever line for a lock breaking-up with a key. Some ideas I've had include:

>"You just don't unlock me"

>"I don't think we're a good fit"

I realize these aren't really puns, but /r/DoubleEntendres doesn't have quite as much traffic. Any help would be appreciated!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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Request: Thanksgiving/turkey related puns.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sdb16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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Wearing out the hinges

My friend had her Facebook taken over by her brother for the second time in two days. First post was "I'm gay" to which she posted the obligatory "Oh no I left my phone unlocked" status. Today her Dad made an amazing comment on the latest status.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KasplooshNA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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The first comment, classic dad

I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJQ2wcYjBo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeanleonino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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Knock knock.

Who's there? EA. EA who? Sorry that'll be $4.99 or wait 3 hours to unlock this answer.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timsayshi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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The Sound of Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemofish3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Overheard my Dad talking to my Mum...

Dad: "What's the pass-code for your iPhone?"

Mum: "The year I was born"

Dad: "I don't see B.C anywhere..."

(laughs to himself while he unlocks the iPhone to play Candy Crush)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bousa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Every time pop round the corner for groceries...

Me: Shall I leave the door*? Dad: Well, don't take it with you! *i.e. unlocked

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeldaFan812
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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Dad tech support

Got a text from a friend trying to sell his iPhone: "Hey, any thoughts on how to unlock this iPhone? I've looked online and can't figure it out."

I responded in helpful dad fashion: "Did you try the key?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rascaltwitch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2014
🚨︎ report

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