It’s unprecedented.
I'm not a fan.
Luigiana
UKraine
They both had two rows of felts
…he was visiting patients in a brand new hospital. He'd been shown into a ward and began chatting to a patient who replied:
"Fair fa your honest soncie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a' you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As lang's my airm"
Confused, Cameron grinned and moved to the next patient and said hello. The patient replied:
"Some hae meat and canna eat, And some was eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit"
Even more confused, he moved to the next patient and before he could say hello the patient chanted:
Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle!"
Seriously concerned about his safety Cameron hastened away and then turned to the ward sister and asked; "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"
She replied "No Prime Minister, it’s the Burns unit."
Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that. He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him. He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes. As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again.
It needs to be womb temperature though.
Skele-tons
I'd give it a rating of 50 stars.
Watt?
I said, "What the hell for? You already have an apartment!"
there would be mass confusion.
This is because they are shocked.
Hey guys, i'm in need of your absolute best puns! I've finally installed my two a/c units today and i love naming my devices punny names in Google home.
One of the units is now called David Blowie, but i'm in need of a second name for unit #2.
So far we've came up with:
Air Air Cool J
Katy Airy
Airosmith
DJ Airfrojack
Airetha Franklin
Kurt Blowbrain
Airiana Grande
CoolCool Chanel
And the usual: AC / DC
But i just know there are some better ones out there we've not thought of yet, so i decided to ask for your amazing brains to help. Please show me your best! (or worst)
They were thankful for my dough nation.
He was told they were all charged with battery.
John Cena
If you do it, it makes them U.P.S.E.T.
The nurses at the intensive care unit didn't like it quite as much.
The punanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of Pun-merica, When in the Course of human pun-ventures, it becomes necessary for one people to loosen the comical bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the wits of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Yaws of Pun-Nature and of Nature's Pun entitle them, a decent respect to the punchlines of mankind requires that they should declare the pun-riddled causes which propel them to the separation.
We hold these puns to be self-evident, that all wordplay is created equal, that they are endowed by their Pun-ator with certain un-pun-able Rights, among these are Life, Linguistic-erty and the pursuit of Puntasticness.--That to secure these rights, Pun-ernments are playfully instituted among Puns, deriving their just laughter from the consent of the amused, --That whenever any Form of Pun-ernment becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Write of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to pull out new Wordmanship, laying its fun-dation on such punster principles and organizing its powers in such playful form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Laugh-ety and Happiness. Prun-dence, indeed, will dictate that Pun-ernments long established should not be changed for pun-light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while pun-evils are sufferable, than to set-write themselves by abolishing the language forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long laugh-track of abuses and usurp-puns, pursuing invariably the same Pun-jectives evince a design to reduce them under absolute Pun-potism, it is their right, it is their pun-ty, to chuckle off such Word-rule, and to provide new Punderful Guards for their pun-ture posterity.--Such has been the pun-ient sufferance of these Pun-olonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Punnery. The history of the present Pun-King of Great Pun-Ain is a history of repeated punchlines and usurp-puns, all having in jest the establishment of an absolute Pun-ranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be fun-bmitted to a candid whirl of wordplay.
They dont make cents
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡Just think, if the British had won, we'd all be speaking English now.
What a cool way to go!
Wanted to share one with the community.
Scenario: We are coming up on a railroad crossing in the car.
Dad: Hmm, train just went by.
Me: What? How do you know?!
Dad: I can see his tracks.
As a little kid I thought this was the funniest things ever.
Talk about a sad state of affairs
The police have no leads.
Will.
Because the units were Imperial.
I answered, “I don’t know, the indicator always says clean filter.”
Quartz not
Special Forces
Italian ships say AMB for Atzah My Boat!
- from my 75 yr old Italian American dad at family dinner the other night
It was shocking!
I don't really know why but it makes a lot of cents
You know what gets my volt.
A couple take their six year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the beach, he notices that some of the ladies have boobs bigger than his mother's, and asks her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy is pleased with the answer, goes to play in
the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replies, "Son, the bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returns again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Those were the darkest days of my life.
The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
