I'll never forget the day I was born. All those flashing lights and unfamiliar faces.

I don't think my parents should've taken me to a nightclub at that age.

👍︎ 7
💬︎
👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A man hit a rabbit with his car, while driving past a church in an unfamiliar town, one easter morning...

Stopping his car he got out to check if it was okay.

In a stroke of good fortune the rabbit was still alive, just.

The man went into the church to see if there was anyone who could help him.

A kindly Priest saw the man and offered to help. He asked the Mab to wait a moment while he got something that might help...

... After a few moments the Priest returned with a small flask and poured the contents on the rabbit. Which hopped up right as rain!

The rabbit waved to the man, and crossed the road.

After crossing the road the rabbit turned around an waved again. After a few hops the rabbit turned around and waved again. This continued until the man could no longer see the rabbit. A few hops, turn and wave.

When the man turned back to the kindly Priest and asked him, "What was in that bottle anyway, Holy water?"

The Priest replied, "oh nothing like that. It was haer restore, with a permanent wave."

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/GerFubDhuw
📅︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Microsoft's tablet sales have nosedived.

Turns out nobody wants to touch unfamiliar Surfaces during the pandemic.

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/karmaniak
📅︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Found a shell on the beach
👍︎ 35
💬︎
👤︎ u/werdwar
📅︎ Aug 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Excuses are like assholes...

Back in college, a friend, upon being offered my excuse for something long since forgotten, started replying "Excuses are like assholes..."

I interrupted her with "If you don't have one, you get stuck with shit you don't want."

My finest college moment.

👍︎ 13
💬︎
👤︎ u/TASagent
📅︎ Sep 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

👍︎ 4
💬︎
👤︎ u/bradstros
📅︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/teuast
📅︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Conversation with son while driving down highway

[Driving down an unfamiliar part of I-95 highway with family (wife, 15yo son and 15yo daughter) when I had this conversation with my son:]

Son: Dad, where are we?

Me: Florida.

Son: No, Dad, more specific than that. Where are we?

Me : (reading exit sign) Wickham Road.

Son: Where's Wickham Road?

Me: (pause a bit for effect) Florida...

Son: (frustrated grunt) No, Dad, what town are we in?

Me: (reading exit sign again) Viera.

Son: How far is that from Vero? [our destination]

Me: About three letters.

[Satisfactory groans throughout car. Very pleased with self.]

👍︎ 186
💬︎
📅︎ May 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Nature program dad joked.

My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:

Dad: "I went to a party there once."

-Skeptical silence-

Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".

I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.

(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)

EDIT cant spell.

👍︎ 25
💬︎
👤︎ u/foxdrop
📅︎ Mar 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I've never known if my Dad was being a troll, or a Dad

I was driving with my permit and my Dad was in the passenger seat. He is notoriously good with directions (and at the time I was unfamiliar with our whereabouts), we are approaching a dead end stop sign (I can only turn left or right). I proceed to ask my dad about 30 yards away from the intersection if it was faster to go left or right (to our destination) he simply replies "yes."

Anytime I bring it up now he just chuckles and changes the subject.

👍︎ 24
💬︎
📅︎ Sep 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Just dadjoked my wife after we used Google's new Duo app

Wife and I both use Android devices. I converted her from an iPhone.

Wife: I really like this app, now I don't miss facetime as much.

Me: Ya it's great. We can viDuo chat anytime we want.

Wife: smh

Edit: for those unfamiliar with Duo https://duo.google.com/

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/aamir64
📅︎ Aug 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My mom got me and my dad as we played Cribbage

Me and my Dad were playing cribbage and he skunked me (if you're unfamiliar with the game in means he beat me by a lot) so after the game I say

"Let's go, one more, redemption is the name of the game"

my mom from the other room calls out "I thought it was called Cribbage?"

👍︎ 9
💬︎
👤︎ u/peon2
📅︎ Jun 17 2015
🚨︎ report
What is The Matrix...?

When I was about 15, I asked my parents if I could see "The Matrix." At that time, if I asked to see an R-rated movie, the rule was we waited till it came to video (yes, at the time it was videotapes) and my parents would watch it first without me to decide if they were comfortable with me watching it.

They watched it, and the next day, my dad asked me what I thought The Matrix was- I said it was some kind of group of cops or something that could do cool aerial fighting moves.

He said, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is... You have to see it for yourself."

For those who are unfamiliar, this is exactly the line used by one of the main characters when he introduces the concept of The Matrix.

No one? Just me? I thought it was funny. Oh well.

👍︎ 4
💬︎
👤︎ u/jjk35
📅︎ Nov 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Healthcare Dad Joke from today

We use these red sliding sheets to help transfer patients from the operating table to their trolley (they're widely used in hospitals and care environments for various patient manual handling tasks). For those who are unfamiliar, it's basically a double layered, frictionless sheet you position under the patient in order (theoretically) to transfer them with minimal force and effort.

One particular colleague hates them, and today ranted:

"I would love to punch the guy who invented these and has probably made millions of pounds and retired"

To which someone immediately responded:

"I bet he's a right slippery character though".

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/machschau
📅︎ Jul 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my boyfriend really good on the way to my brothers house

We were taking a back road because it was faster, but he was unfamiliar with the area.

Him-"Is this the right turn?"

Me-"Well, actually it's a left."

Him-chuckle

👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Apr 12 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm playing Bottom in A Midsummer Night's Dream

Anyone unfamiliar with the story: I'm the one who gets my head transformed into a donkey. My joke is so stupidly simple, I just walk up to a fellow cast mate and go

"I'm sorry... For being such an ass."

👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Sep 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I was dad joked while driving my dad to the electronic shop today.

I asked where I had to turn, since we took a more unfamiliar route. "Left," he said. "Right," I replied. He looked at me and smiled. "No, left!"

👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.