Context: My little sister (10) was making gullible jokes, e.g. "Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" or "Gullible is written on the ceiling."
I'm pretty sure this should go down in Dad Joke History:
Dad: I read a book growing up, it was called "Gullible's Travels"
Sister: What was it about?
Dad: About 200 pages.
We had been standing for quite a while outdoors:
Her: my back hurts, it makes me feel ancient.
Me: Are you saying you're dinosore? That would make you a backisasoreus.
I think she hurt herself worse with the giant eye roll and groan. It was glorious.
Driving into work, we see a vehicle with stickers for oars/boats on it placed in a horizontal manner.
Wife: "Looks like that guy likes to row."
Me: "Huh. I prefer columns myself."
Wife: (groan) "So, you like to column?"
Me: "Yeah, on the phone. I leave a message if I can't get a hold of 'em."
Wife: (GROAN) "You're the worst...but I love you."
"You don't know how many seconds are in a year off the top of your head? 12. Jan2 feb2 ....."
"Today and Tomorrow...."
These two got laid on me by the chef at my work cafeteria. The cashier aka crazy Lisa was in stitches making him tell everyone.
I was hanging out with my dad and grandpa this weekend. My grandpa was talking about how big the airport in LA was compared to Detroit.
My dad chimes in "yeah it's a big airport but I heard the security is pretty LAX" groans ensue
He adds "I heard when you retire from working there they give you a bottle of ex-lax"
That'll do dad. That'll do.
Wife: Could you get me some wine?
Me: BUTTTTTT WHHHHHYYYYYYYY?
Wife (Now giving me "that" look): Could you get me a glass of Mia, please?
Me: A glass of your-a what?
My wife just gave me the death glare after that.
First off the guy calling bread back for sandwiches yelled "I have two kids and I needed a King's Roll!"
So I yelled back "I can get you a King's, but what do your children have to do with anything?" Chuckles and groans all around.
Then when I was on register:
"What can I get for you today?"
"I just need a second."
"Sorry, we're fresh out."
She just stared at me, but my coworkers laughed.
Getting something from the linen closet next to the bathroom, overheard 13yo stepdaughter talking to the missus about some moisturiser or something, "This is so good!".
Stuck my head in and asked, "Made of soy milk, is it?".
Two second pause, missus says "Don't worry - it's just another stupid dad joke.", followed by a pair of groans and a hand towel thrown at my head as I disappear again.
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before he laughs?
Ten tickles.
So we went to the Wild's preseason game against the Blues last night and there was a blues player who fell down after blocking a shot with his inner thigh. It reminded me of this goal (http://www.reddit.com/tb/2i8prv) I saw on r/hockey yesterday that JvR scored off his weiner, and told my dad about it.
His response: That's nuts! Good thing it wasn't in their own goal, that would've been a dick move.
"I have a Wishitwasa."
Wishitwasa?
"Yeah, Wishitwasa Ferrari... Wishitwasa a Mercedes... Wishitwasa a Jaguar... a Wishitwasa."
Followed by a short sigh and, "I'll take whatever I can afFORD."
The ole' dad joke twofer.
Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)
Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)
Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."
Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"
Me: "What the crab is this?"
Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.
(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)
