My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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TV News on the Super Bowl

It's always "team coverage".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Dadjoked while watching the news

Friday after work, just sitting down to dinner with my dad, the news is showing on the TV. A story comes on about body parts that were found in a river recently. The police are appealing to anyone who recognises a tattoo thats on the forearm close to the hand, to come forward and help the police with their investigation.

My dad turns to me with a huge grin on his face and says, "Well, I guess that's a pretty handy clue to have".

Nice work dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JanskiGG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
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I also got dadjoked by my son this week. Twice. He's 12.

1st - "Hey dad, how come nobody can come up with a good, stable news channel on tv?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every one you watch say their news is breaking!"


2nd - We were having dinner and my 15 year old mentioned that something or other 'really sucked!'

The 12 year old responded with "not really, that doesn't really suck, you know what does?"

... silence

"A vacuum cleaner, that really sucks!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerretFarm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Woman marries a funeral director

Just saw this on facebook...

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a β€˜funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, β€˜I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sir_mrej
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2014
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My dad's brilliant macabre one liner

So my dad was talking to an acquaintance of ours, who is a landlord. My dad's acquaintance said he went in to check on one of his tenants and found him dead in his Lay-Z-Boy watching TV, remote still in hand and T.V still running. My dad's response on hearing this bit of news "Welp, I bet he wasn't watching the Life Channel"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deutschbag17
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

πŸ‘︎ 833
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV News anchor.

More on that after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on that after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on that after the break.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Just now, my dad said this

When the news anchor on tv asks "do you ever dream of taking a nap at work?"

To which my dad responds "Yep, but then i woke up and said 'oh crap, i'm at work!'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evl4evr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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