Hauling my truck back to Michigan. My dad won't stop cracking this one, "Man that guy is on my ass!!" Followed by historically laughing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mteazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
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TIL about a truck full of antelopes that stopped suddenly on the freeway and caused a 15 car pile up.

it was braking gnus.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Trucker's Breakfast

A trucker came intoΒ  a Truck Stop CafΓ© and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.Β  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Pretty solid evidence.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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The issue with duck eggs.

Two farmers, Ben and Dave, are discussing their produce. Ben mentions that there has been a strange recent demand in duck eggs, and is going to begin producing them. Dave replies that he tried to produce them long ago, but had to stop due to issues with their delivery.

"What issues?" Asks Ben, with a confused expression on his face.

"They caused way too much mess in the delivery truck," Dave explains, "You'll find out soon enough, duck eggs quack really easily."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rapidToothbrush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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A truck driver drives during an intense winter strom

The truck driver comes to a stop. The woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver's window:

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again.

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window.

"Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!"

The truck driver gets angry and says:

"Would you please shut up! I'm putting salt on the road!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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I ran a mile this morning...

But no matter how much I yelled and waved my money in the air, the stupid ice cream truck driver never stopped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EcksMarksDespot
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home.

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaylorAlexis
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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Wife and I are driving to breakfast

Me: "So, do you want to go to Blackbear, or the truck stop diner?"

Wife: "Blackbear"

M: "Okay, and afterwards, I want to stop by the Arco (gas station) and use the vacuum to clean the inside of the car"

W:"No, I hate going to that Arco, the vacuum there sucks"

M: "Isn't that what they're supposed to do?"

W: Rage intensifies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Senor_Andy_Panda
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2017
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, β€œWow you fixed that fast! What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”
β€œOh”, said the man, β€œjust a bit of Tollgate booth pasteβ€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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This farmer had a prize show bull.

This bull had won best in show awards. Groomed daily, perfect stance, it was a great bull.

One day the farmer goes out and sees the bull has gone cross-eyed. This was going to ruin ant chance of future awards, so he called the livestock vet out.

The veterinarian gets there and examines the bull, realizes he's seen this happen before and grabs a narrow metal tube from the back of his truck.

He brings the tube over and jams the tip of it into the bulls hind end and proceeds to blow as hard as he can through the end of it.

The farmer looks at the bulls eyes as the vet is blowing into the bulls backside and says "it's working! I see his eyes straightening right up, keep doing it!"

The vet blows and blows his face and cheeks turning red and finally says, "I'm out of breath I can't do it anymore, his eyes are almost straight you'll have to finish"

The farmer comes over and grabs the tube, pulls it out, turns it around and puts it back in the other way, the vet stops him and says, "What on Earth are you doing?"

The farmer says, "Well I don't want to put my mouth on the same end you did!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amd20555
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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Near death experience

So I was driving to work the other day and as I stopped at 3 way intersection (stop sign) by my house I paused to grab the apple out of my lunch because I was hungry. The moment I after I took my first bite and was about to turn, a construction truck blew the stop sign and almost took out the front of my car. After the excitement left I couldn't help but think to myself, "an apple a day really does keep the doctor away." And took another bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximumborkdrive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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Dad joke backfire.

So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.

Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"

Her : "What now?"

Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")

"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"

Her : "What?"

Me : "A human toe."

Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.

"Eeeewwww. Then what?"

Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM

Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."

And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pimpnocchio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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My SO flipped my dad-joke back on me.

I was looking at a Ford Ranger on Craig's List and showed her pictures that made the truck look like a good deal until the final picture suddenly showed half the backend was missing.

"Stop looking at trucks you can't afford!"

"But I CAN 'Ford!"

"No you can't, and you can't Chevy either."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustang1718
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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So i was driving on the free way today...

And i get cut off by an ambulance. When all of a sudden one of the back doors swings open and a cooler pops out and rolls out to the shoulder. I stop and pick it up. I open it and find what looks to be a severed toe. I immediately call 911.

Operator: "911 what's your emergency"

Me:"Yes, i was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it's going to i can deliver it right now!"

O:"I'm sorry sir but you can't transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so."

M:"What kind of vehicle would that be?"

O:"A toe-truck!!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2013
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A classic joke my dad tells

My dad is a truck driver. This story gets everyone he's ever told it to: Dad: "So I'm driving through Detroit at about 3-4am to start my route. As you know, most of the inner city roads are crap, and are polluted with potholes. Suddenly I see an ambulance in my mirror going full speed with its lights on. I immediately pull off to the side of the road to let it pass. This is where it gets crazy... The ambulance drives through the intersection bouncing through potholes and as it does, the back door flies open and a cooler pops out, but the ambulance keeps going like nothing happened. Well I was the only one around at that time of the night so I immediately stopped to grab the cooler. I bring it into my cab and it has a hazmat sticker on it but the seal is broken. So I decided to open it up and see what was inside. It was a human toe!" Me: "Holy shit! What did you do!?" Dad: "I called the toe truck"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rylon2008
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
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Sister finally had a good one...

Me: That damn salt truck didn't stop spraying salt at the red light. It pelted my car with that crap.

Sis: So your car was...as-SALT-ted!?!

Not gonna hear the end of that for awhile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StoneyJr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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Riding in the truck with my dad when I was a kid.

My dad got me long ago when I was probably 3-4. For some reason a have remembered this one for decades. I was riding in the truck with him and was reading the street signs.

Me: "Stop Ahead." Dad: "Well, if I see a head I'll be sure to stop it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVincenzo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Towtruck

So my cousin found a cooler on the side of the road and stopped, picked it up, cleaned it out, and asked if anyone wanted it for their boat or whatever.

My dad looks at me and says "I found a cooler full of ice on the side of the road, I opened it up and inside there was a toe wrapped in a towel."

I look at him and say "Wow! A real toe? Did you call the cops?"

He looks at me and says "No, I called a 'toe'truck!"

Him and my cousin(also a dad) have been laughing about it for the past hour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/backb0ne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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My stepdad at Buc-ees

Bucees is a huge truck stop/gas station/everything station in Texas. My stepdad and I walked up the counter to purchase what we had. Upon getting up to the counter, the cashier asks, "Got gas?" My stepdad looks at her and replies, "Nope. Actually, I feel pretty good today."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cameron0208
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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