I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said β€˜We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- β€œAw Dad, you’re my trophy”

He looks at me and says β€˜It’s for your brother!’

Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophy… because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative β€˜trophy’ for his grandson! D’oh! I’m supposed to be helping him with his confusion.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Actual Story

My girlfriend and I are in an argument. I’m playing video games and ignoring her. I hear a knock on the door but wasn’t expecting anyone. Sounds like a food delivery transaction.

She calls my name, I don’t respond.

She texts β€œwould you like a f*cking slice of pizza?”

I respond β€œNo, but I appreciate the piece offering”

She just left the house. Am I doing this right?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mophishstew
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?

Short sales.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weaponG
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I got an email that said "You have won Β£36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details."

"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I was supposed to get 2 dollars and 50 cents after my transaction at the mall but only got 2 dollars

It doesn’t make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loclink
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction

They’re calling it coleslaw.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LilP1xel
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call transactions made between a lion a witch and a wardrobe that are none of your concern?

Narnia business!

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Souldrax
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
🚨︎ report
It was a sweet transaction

Dad: I can't believe it, this guy is selling his wife.

Mom: What are you talking about?

Dad: He has a sign in his yard that says 'local honey for sell'.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robmo_o
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Playing the long game

Life Goals:

Have a daughter

Name her 'Dearly'

Train her to be an accountant

Employ her at my business

Wrap up every transaction with: Now you'll pay Dearly for this.

EDIT: Spelling

πŸ‘︎ 189
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A micro-transaction

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts β€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: β€œWhat do we do?”

Cashier 2: β€œDo what he says, I think he means business!”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats the word for something a transgender person has done

A Transaction

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/internetoscar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How do members of the Catholic Church pay each other?

They use papal transactions

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/338geek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife swiped our debit card on my butt crack.

She said "transaction denied, insufficient buns."

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FletchLives1980
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when trans people loan eachother money?

...a transaction

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/seadoggo_29
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by a customer yesterday.

I was working the counter yesterday and we had an exceptionally long line for a Wednesday. There was one customer who was taking forever to finish up the transaction. When I got to the man next in line, I Immediately apologized.

"Sorry for the wait, Sir."
"Oh, I haven't stepped on a scale in years. Has it gotten that bad?"

cue facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry_ery_tyme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I dad joked myself accidentally yesterday

Sitting on the toilet at work. I finished the transaction and after wiping once, I was surprised that it was a ghost wipe.

I looked at the paper and thought to myself "No shit".

Bert stared at the stall door.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackFunk
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Friendly reminder to all the trans folks out there: anything you do may be taxable

It is a transaction, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanna here a joke about EA?

Too bad,that micro transaction is going to cost you

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arod8305
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was paying for my groceries with a debit card

The transaction didn't go through. There was a chip error.

Me: "Chip error?

That's funny, I'm not even buying any chips."

This produced a groan from the cashier and at least two people in line behind me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pixelmorph
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Got to use this classic today

Wife and I are buying a house and going through financial records. Seeing how our loan company is questioning every single transaction, a mysterious deposit was made that took us a while to figure out where it came from. When we finally figured out the transaction:

Wife: "That could have been a real booger."

Me: "You think it's a booger, but it snot!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarbogman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
🚨︎ report
So today I bought some fish...

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Manager dad joked me

So im headed to the back talking to my manager telling him about a transaction im doing with a customer Me: Hey boss, so this lady is looking for a 4 year old camp jacket for boys and a 6-12 month onesie for boys Manager: Well sorry man, all our stuff here is new, we have nothing from 4 years ago.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhlowJ
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I may not be dad, but I like to think I'm ready.

Just had this transaction with my wife over iMessage/Text.

http://i.imgur.com/0giAtw1.png

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nofate301
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2016
🚨︎ report
A customer at work set herself up for this one.

I work at subway, and today I was making a woman a sandwich. When I went to ring her out I asked if she needed any chips, cookies, or drinks. She said, "I'll have a small drink and a chip". I quickly replied, " One chip doesn't seem like enough, I would recommend you get a whole bag!". She chuckled awkwardly as we finished the transaction.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slaehr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's best joke

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and says,

"Hello, I'd like a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my buddies, please."

The bartender replies,

"Sorry pal, but we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the first string returns to his friends and relays the transaction. The second string can't believe this, and walks swiftly up to the bartender and says,

"Hey, buddy. I need a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my friends!"

The bartender sternly states,

"We don't serve strings here!" The second string returns to his friends, defeated. The third string looks at his pals and says,

"Guys, I got this."

He goes into the bathroom, unravels himself a little and tangles himself up a bit. He walks confidently up to the bartender and says with gusto,

"Bartender! You are going to give me and my friends a pitcher of your finest beer, and three frosty glasses, on the double!"

The bartender sighs and says,

"Like I told your buddies, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS HERE."

The third string leans across the bar, chuckles, and says,

"String? I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/valinorbound
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
what do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

A micro-transaction

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ankalanumos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.