I met a buddhist who was tragically afraid of inner peace...

... he was zen-ophobic!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Did you hear about the Taco Supreme who tragically got dumped out? reddit.com/r/tacobell/com…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thoxis1
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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While out caroling one Christmas eve, Jeff & Don were tragically killed in the middle of singing "Deck the Halls". In a strange twist, they were reincarnated as ass-less leather chaps. Jeff looked at his friend and said...

..."Don, we now are gay apparel."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbattoirOfDuty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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Tragic news! Bruce Willis has died while on viagra medication.

He died hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Tragic
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andresdoughmas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Tragic.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoodMonster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Frank: ...girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane Spencer: Goodyear? Frank: No, the worst. (Courtesy of Naked Gun)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shumumazzu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Tragic!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahsGhost
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Just witnessed a tragic car accident where a man lost his entire left side...

He’s all right now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_se7en_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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The inventor of time travel has died in a tragic jousting accident

RIP: 1976 - 1130

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.

He was the sole survivor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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Saw this on FB and had to share

A bus full of housewifes going on a picnic, suddenly fell into a river... they all tragically died.

Each husband cried for a week straight, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked why he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably: β€œMy wife missed the bus!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ir9199
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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My wife recently died in a tragic roller coaster accident.

But at least I have a photo to remember her by. And a keyring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twogreen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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Bane breaking Batman's back is a tragic back story
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Every loaf of bread is a tragic reminder of what can happen to grain

if it doesn't become whiskey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Hoe Tragic!

The other day I saw a prostitute burn alive. It was whore a frying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrisbgrind
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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There is a tragic story of two melons and their forbidden love...

Their families found out and kept them apart and now they cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoreForce420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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Heard of the extinct species that used to cohabit with penguins?

They were called pencilguins but were tragically erased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lela_chan
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Sad news today. Music icon and legend Willie Nelson has died in a tragic accident.

He was playing on the road again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativePrimitive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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A man died in a tragic skydiving accident...

Many say he left the impact on the world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajohnson1210
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
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For math lovers and others to
  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert.

  2. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.

  3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average? It was a mean thing to say!

  4. Why was the math book depressed? It had a lot of problems.

  5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated? Because it is never right.

  6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper? HeΒ must be plotting something.

  7. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date? The odd couple

  9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place? A Roamin’ numeral.

  10. Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.

  11. What do you call dudes who love math? Algebros.

  12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics. But graphing is where I draw the line!

  13. Why should you never talk to Pi? Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common? It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  15. Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula.

  16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher? Use acute angle.

  17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  18. How do you stay warm in any room? Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  19. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight ("ate") nine!

  20. Why DID seven eat nine? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  21. Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InvestWithArihant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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I was pondering some of the practical arts that are dying out like silversmithing and coppersmithing.

One of the most tragic is the art of hand making exit signs which is really on the way out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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I would ride it
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curtbot9001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Tragic victim of dad joke

I went to the library with the kids (7 y/o girl, 3 y/o boy) I nanny and got all these children's books for the little boy. We got home and I opened them to read to him and there were no words. Just pictures. Me: Are you kidding me? Little girl: What is it? Me: This book has no words! Girl: You shouldn't of judged the book by its cover. Needless to say she owned me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supernanny9108
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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What do you call a herd of cows jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder devastation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pa526
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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A Dad joke planted as a seed, which took 17 years to flower.

Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.

When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.

One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,

That's a Quackopotamous.....

As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.

I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .

Thanks Dad.

EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snippersmith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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The Chinese chef was at the pinnacle of his career.

He was number one. He was so good, he was about to break into Hollywood.

Then his kitchen caught fire and he died.

It was incredibly tragic.

Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before.

He was Wok King Phoenix.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themaaannn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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There are only 107 Amur Leopards still living in the wild

It's tragic cause they're the only big cats who know what they are

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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My depressed daughter asked me what I do when I'm down. I told her take a bath when she feels sad."

So this sarcastic shit then asks, "Oh dearest papa, but why? I am already cleansed in an utmost, albeit tragic, fashion?"

So I said, "Because it'll make you feel bather."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cellardoor377
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Dad's on death bed....

[Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "

Dad struggling to talk "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChadleyCooper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
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New single father after my wife died in quick sand..

..it took a while to sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamfps
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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Did you hear about the Scottish mans death?

It’s tragic. He was kilt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/natiknof
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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The Legend of Phillip Turr

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CastYourBread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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Dad joked on family movie night

this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it.

so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic... to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie.

it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child "Nemo"

instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says "Ha! I found him! that was fun." and walks away.

tl;dr: my dad beat the whole family in a game of "Finding Nemo"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjswitz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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If you guys are gonna tell a joke, tell the whole thing. Did you hear about the Italian chef?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.

it was a farfalle from grace.

Edit: Whoa! Woke up to so many upvotes! Thank you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alftrazign
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? Pun-laden remembrances after the death of the Italian chef.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

  • He pasta way.
  • We cannoli do so much.
  • His legacy will become a pizza history.
  • Just proves the old adage, β€œHere today, gone tomato.”
  • How sad that he ran out of thyme.
  • Olive my prayers go to the family.
  • His wife is very upset; cheese still not over it.
  • You never sausage a tragic thing!

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/did-you-hear-about-the-italian-chef-who-died/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A Chinese chef was at the pinnacle of his career...

He was number one. He was so incredible , he was about to break into Hollywood.

Then his kitchen caught fire and he died.

It was horribly tragic.

Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before.

He was Wok King Phoenix.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themaaannn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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