Shaken and a little bit slurred
She got off
Scot-Free
I guess I have to keep holding it.
Took my daughter out to dinner the other night. We ordered mozzarella sticks and the waitress says, "To drink?"
I reply, "No, those are to eat."
Tasking for a friend
Riceless
Which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
...it was a bit of an anticlimax.
Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.
The man behind counter says: what the hell is this?
To which the second man says: he's new to Tea
They said they wanted a torte to go.
I was given a drink with limestone.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, “ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, “ No, I’m a frayed knot”.
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
The final challenge is a real showstopper.
St. Francis of a CC
It was just Tso Tso.
“Currently”
So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC
Cost me an arm and a leg.
The bartender asks what they'd like.
The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,
"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
No one else ever wants naan.
He really got a head of himself.
And I said "not without a large mortgage"
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times.”
A Wander of the World
He said, "Why just the saints? There's like 31 other football teams."
He said it was a mis-steak.
I'll let you know...
Edit: For those that want the results
Souper size
Saint Cristobal
Things became pretty tents.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
Orzo it seems
It turns out I just got ahead of myself.
I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"
This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)
That's #2 on my list.
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
St. Ray
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
He said 'no son of mine is going to be assisi!'
Saint Francis of a cc
He really got a head of himself.
