Typical dad, back at it again with them puns!
My mom lost her car keys. Asked if I had them. I barely search, tell her I don't. Two weeks pass. I find them. Punning ensues.
I tell ya he loves them puns.
How do you clean a tuba?
With a tuba toothpaste.
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
I like jokes with a lot of soul in them.
How do you like them apples?
Mom was freaking out that we ate all the apples.
"I just bought them, yesterday!! It's not like they..."
"...grow in trees?" Dad finished.
All of us kids were cracking up and dad is now having a private talk with mom.
Digging holes is not fun, but making them even bigger is even worse.
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! 🤩
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What do librarians take with them when they go fishing ?
I took my boys to the traveling circus and told them to keep their focus on the biggest pole...
...because that's the center of a tent son.
3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.
Need a pun and I’m not good at them
I’m making some art about a band with three spray bottles as the singers, what are some band names? It would be cool if it was a pun about sprays or a parody of an existing band, thanks
Why do graveyards have gates around them?
Cause people are dying to get in!
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
My wife says I’m terrible at finishing things after I’ve started them.
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
I entered 10 puns in a joke contest. I figured one of them would win...
What do Vegans do when nobody watches them
Easiest way to flush them out
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone get really surprised when I tell them that I'm also a doctor...
Nobody expects the Spa Niche Ink Physician.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don’t know what he laced them with but, I’ve been tripping all day....
When the Wright Brothers were arrested for trespassing at Kitty Hawk, the judge refused to grant them bail...
...he considered them a flight risk.
Why did doctors name them hemorrhoids?
What Sith Lord immobilizes his opponents instead of killing them?
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
My 2 pet birds got stuck together, so I took them to the vets to see what they could do.
Apparently, he couldn't do anything, because it was just....
Toucan-fusing.
While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
What do kids say after getting a phone call from someone older than them?
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
Whoever decided to called them Dentures....
....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.
I’m addicted to abusing nuns, I just can’t not hit them, the only thing that’s worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.
I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot
I was making crumpets this morning and my wife asked me “how did you make them?”
“Well, I asked them nicely.” - I replied.
There's a band called The Delays but I hate them
They keep playing 30 seconds after you stop them.
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. I’m an instant they said, “A can’t opener?” They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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