I'm here all week! Try the veal!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.

At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notelonmusk__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
So last week i got myself in a bit of trouble when i mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlaaneshiRose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"

..."No, Ken do"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealerBrogan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is Saturday the crappiest day of the week?

It has a turd in it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a mouths favourite day of the week?

Chewsday

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.

I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Last week I went to a restaurant on the moon.

The food is great but there is no atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellogs_cereal2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.

He lives just a stone throw away.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why at the end of the week?

Causal Friday

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chewgl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the scariest day of the week for a fish?

FRY-DAY

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elated-cheese
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave the cat a bath last week..

I still can't taste anything

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danspud69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...

... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vk6flab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What day of the week cries the most?

Sadderday

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAMICK13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is the start of diarrhoea awareness week....

It will run till Friday.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?

A mooborn!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Singular1st
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I removed the rear view mirror from my car last week.

Haven't looked back since.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the latest north pole expedition was ended two weeks early?

They got there ok but then things went south.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurpleFlame8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
In the last weeks campaign, I was asked to get the opinions of women on what shampoo were they currently using........

The most common answer I got was...................... "EEEEKK!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY BATHROOM???!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A bar near me has an event once a week where a guy called Michael freely allows the customers to perform surgery on him...

It's an open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Shamelessly stolen from mock the week

Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bootcamptim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the baker that got electrocuted last week?

He stepped on a bun and the currant went right up his leg

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sticklemac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic

It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This week I volunteered for the Russian developed Covid-19 vaccine...

I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ Ο‡oρoshό я Ρ‡ΡƒΠ²ΡΡ‚Π²ΡƒΡŽ сСбя Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ странно ΠΈ я Π΄ΡƒΠΌΠ°ΡŽ, Ρ‡Ρ‚ΠΎ Π²Ρ‹Ρ‚Π°Ρ‰ΠΈΠ» ослиныС ΡƒΡˆΠΈ.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?

Never gonna give you Up!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
This week on Dancing With the Tsars

Ivan was Terrible, Peter & Catherine were Great, and Boris was Godunov.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:

Speak now or forever hold your pee

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/graceful_ox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m gutted I couldn’t go to the cheese tasting event this week

I heard it was a really fondue

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nymphomanius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDNL
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday.

The rest are weak days..

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/festivalheadmmsk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week??

Saturday and Sunday...bc the rest are β€œweekdays”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CraZcraaacker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The other days are week days.

πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week ?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are just weekdays

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report

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