Chill out.
I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.
It was a Shih Tzu
I did not see that coming.
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
They hit the space bar.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"
Too bad it’s Payperview
They haven’t noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.
Solo
Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.
I beat the raining champion.
Me: wow that’s disconcerting
So I went home.
But the funeral will be on a sadder day.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡It was a play on words.
It's the Wurst Käse scenario.
The noise was unbearable.
I'm tired of being taken for granite
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
I told him I'd have to check my colander.
It's my prototype Pro Toe Type.
I literally dreamed this joke last night. Help me.
He is Espanyol
I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head.
Me: "Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie"
GF: ......
ME:" instead of a buddy cop movie"
And then she proceeded to beat me
I told her the weekend comes to Vancouver every 5 days.
.. Went out Clubbin'
Now I am really holding it together.
They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.
His asymptote.
A deep Fry-day
I’m past caring.
It turns out I’m not suited for it
They get backs to work.
..."There are 99 people in that choir."
My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?"
I replied, "They are singing >!"Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.!<"
but the shorter answer is “no”.
They were a little Chewey.
"Turn off the damn fans, I'm trying to fish over here and you are creating too much wind"...
groans ensue.....
Wife: Woo! You're the best. Gooooo husband!
