My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new Halloween movie where the guy screams his lungs out?

It was breathtaking

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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The presidents guards aren’t allowed to scream β€œget down” before the president is attacked anymore.

They have to yell β€œDonald, Duck!”

Edit: whoever gave me the gold award, thank you so much. I would repay you in a way, but I don’t know who you are.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiiam_larry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, β€œGive me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, β€œDon’t you mean history?”

The robber says, β€œDon’t change the subject!"

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I can hear the scream
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LouSlash
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
"Jim Morrison was overrated!" the son screams as he stomps upstairs...

... his dad calls angrily after him: "YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!"

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the student scream when he saw his report card?

There was a Bee on it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrescentCoast
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What did geronimo scream when he jumped from the plane?

MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g_petro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the painkiller scream when it stubbed its toe..

Ibuprofanities!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hindza
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
You are a super villain who can scream supersonic classical music, you name is Bach the Fuck up. Would you rather rob banks for a living, or would you rather cause random chaos in the streets? reddit.com/r/WouldYouRath…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tater218
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?

DONALD DUCK!!!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
A class of students is taking a tour of a cheese factory. The tour guide is showing the kids where the cheese is made, when suddenly a worker operating a forklift loses control and the vehicle goes hurtling towards the visitors. The worker screams:

"Get out of the whey!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lyonhart31
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My neighbour banged on my door at 3am, screaming and shouting hysterically, the poor fella..

Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time..

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontmeenafing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are all the windows screaming?

Because they are in panes.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed

SUPPLIES!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"

The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A family is sitting at the dining room table having a nice family dinner, when suddenly...

One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.

The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.

As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"

So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmocide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...

...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.

I think I strained my voice.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YarrowBeSorrel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
While I like cute baby sloth videos, they can be a little slow...

.. But Screaming Goat videos are the Greatest Of All Time!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester1525
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œNoooo” screamed the spring as he was pushed down the stairs.

β€œWhat are you doing doing doing ...”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulpixpix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.

He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Next time I'm on a roller coaster, I'm bringing some nuts and bolts with me.

When nearly on the top, scream with a panic voice at the guy infront, "LOOK BRO, THESE FELL OUT OF YOUR SEAT."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My beekeeping brother stumbled upon my collection of honeybee legs, screaming "What the hell is this?"

I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

πŸ‘︎ 819
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the window always screaming

He was in pane

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squishy-sock07
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
When going on a roller coaster, bring some screws and nuts with you.

When it's half way up, scream at the people in the front seats, "SHIT DUDE, THESE JUST CAME OFF FROM YOUR SEATS. "

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed β€œOuch, what are you doing!!”

He says, β€œI’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa; not screaming in terror like the passengers in the car he was driving.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clelwell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming β€œMickey Mouse”!

When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked β€œWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said β€œI was trying to say Donald Duck!”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GPyleFan11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the Walmart cashier say to the screaming customer?

β€œIt’s actually not a very civil way to communicate, yelling that is. I would quite appreciate you being more respectful for us to continue our interaction, thank you. Sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hisairnessag
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A red blood cell was travelling through the bloodstream...

It bumped into another cell and screamed "Jesus Christ!!" God was not happy, he said "You should never use the Lords name in vein."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordoftheClouds00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I was in the store with my son and he started screaming at me, so I left him there.

He's in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did

Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car was when he drove over the cliff

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironbattery
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The caretaker walked into a class room and all of the kids ran out screaming. Concerned, he asked the teacher if the kids were alright. She replied...

β€œNo. They all left!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleOld
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I dressed up as Thanos and started screaming in the streets

They called me a madman

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealComradeMeep
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
They rushed me into the hospital with all my limbs detached, screaming in pain, but the doctor took one look at me and rolled his eyes.

β€œPull yourself together.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jollyben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the kid scream when he saw his report card

There was a Bee on it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrescentCoast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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