The Crumbs Puns

What a breadful night...

Is she the dad now? Are we both? Either way i sense more socks with Crocs in my future.

He took it with a grain assault.

Dad: Are you gonna rat me out?

My friend: Well you've always been a crumby person.

That was last Tuesday, and I still haven’t got all the crumbs out of my hair.

Son: “I hate crumbs.”

Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

How difficult is it to define the word "crumb"? It's a piece of cake.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

I've been throwing out some popcorn and sometimes bread crumbs instead of composting it. They like it. And I like them. They'll CAW at me sometimes when I get in the car.

I've heard that Crows....when they like you...they'll leave little gifts for you on your door step. Shining things, like bits of foil, bottle caps, buttons...etc.

And while it's not explicitly stated...they do expect something in return.

It's Quid Pro Crow.

My kids got these chocolate covered ants cookies for Christmas. They asked me to open the package and I said be careful with crumbs, I don't want ants in the house.

Nobody but me was amused.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

The waitress spilled bread crumbs onto the table

Waitress: Oops. Sorry the bread was so crumby.

Dad: I actually thought the bread was great!

Wife ordered a house salad with her meal at cracker barrel, along with her salad came the grossest looking restaurant crackers we've ever seen, package was busted and cracker crumbs were falling out, they looked like they had been soggy at some point.

I say to her "well, as far as crackers go, I'd say those came from the bottom of the Barrel."

she laughed.

My wife went to remove a bread crumb from our infant son's shirt and somehow managed to flick the piece of bread into her own eye. She looked at me in pain and asked "Do I have a piece of bread in my eye?"

I couldn't help but respond with "yes, but first I must remove the loaf in my own eye".

reference: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A5&version=ESV

Me: "Hey Dad, what's in the box?"

Dad: "That box? Nah that's just a box of trash! I found it on the side of the road!"

Me: "Really! C'mon Dad, whatcha get?"

Dad: "I'm telling you, it's a box of trash!"

My dad has never failed to use this line any time he gets that mysterious white box of baked goods (be it crumb cake, donuts, or cinnamon buns), and it's never failed to make me run immediately to the box to see what was really in it.

Wife and I were at the supermarket yesterday and the broccoli had run out, just little broccoli crumbs left

Wife says: "man, what happened to the broccoli"

me: "looks like there was an abroccolypse"

All i got was groans. I had to repeat it 3 times.

Went to McDonald's with some fellow students after TAFE was finished for the day (for those who don't know what TAFE is, I guess the most similar thing would be community college?), and somehow one of the girls ended getting crumbs on her hat: "How did they get there?!" "I guess it's just a crummy hat."