A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, βWhat an interesting pet. Whatβs his name?β βTiny,β the man replied. The bartender said, βThatβs an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?β
βBecause heβs my newt.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Nov 22 2022
Covid, H.I.V. and the Flue, walks into a bar....
Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of sick joke?"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Oct 17 2022
A grasshopper walks up to a bar, and the bartender smiles. βHey, weβve got a drink named after you!β
The grasshopper says βYou have a drink called Steve?β
π︎ 170
π
︎ Dec 23 2022
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says:
βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
π︎ 912
π
︎ Dec 02 2022
Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar at the same time...
π︎ 510
π
︎ Oct 10 2022
Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw ... he aw ... he always calls me donkey"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Oct 05 2022
A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartenders like βoh what an interesting companion you have there. Whatβs his name?β And the guys like βTinyβ and the Bartenders like βWhyd you name him that?β
He responds with βbecause heβs My Newtβ
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Sep 03 2022
Did you hear that a reptile recently passed the Florida bar exam?
π︎ 293
π
︎ Nov 10 2022
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but it takes 25 minutes to walk backβ¦
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 06 2023
The Tex-Mex bar fired me as their bartender.
They said my cervezas are no longer required
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 14 2023
I bought a cheap chocolate bar from the store, ate the chocolate, raised the rapper to my ear and listened carefully.
It was pretty good too considering it was only 50 cent.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 15 2023
A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room. The bartender looks around.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Dec 23 2022
Did you hear about the tumor that got drunk at a bar?
Apparently, he was a growing problem until they cut him off.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 30 2022
A couple walks into a bar, bartender says, βWhatβll it be?β And the guy says, βMy wife needs to take her medication...
...so letβs get some pilsner.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 26 2022
A string walks into a bar and goes to order a drink. The bartender asks... Haven't I seen you here before?
The string replies...frayed knot.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 04 2023
I brought a gun to a bar and my friend placed a blueberry inside of the barrel
When I fired my gun at a drunkard, my gun jammed
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 22 2022
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jan 03 2023
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. They sit down and order their drinks, the bartender asks "What are your blood types?" The priest says "A," the minister says, "AB+" and the rabbit says
"I think I might be a typo".
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 26 2022
I was drinking pure vodka in a bar when all the lights turned off so i told a joke to ease the tension...
but nobody laughed, it was a shot in the dark.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 30 2022
The bar I work in refuses to sponser a specific student society anymore. Manager says they come in, only buy one drink each, and then and then take all night to drink it.
Thing is they're the nursing students.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 06 2022
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks. βWhat can I get you?β
βPopβ, goes the weasel.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 28 2022
did you hear about the guy who was stuck under a bar?
He got caught in Limbo
-my dad, November 30, 2022
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 01 2022
I passed the bar today
Then I turned back around and had a couple drinks.
π︎ 186
π
︎ Oct 11 2022
Why did Casper go to the bar?
π︎ 95
π
︎ Oct 11 2022
I told my wife βI finally passed the bar!β
Because I got liquor at homeβ¦
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 14 2022
I watched a girl get her nose pierced at the bar yesterday
In other words Iβm really bad at darts
π︎ 124
π
︎ Oct 18 2022
A redditor walks into a bar with a gun "WHO THE HELL REPOSTED MY JOKE!?"
A man in the back yells "You wouldn't have enough bullets mate!"
π︎ 255
π
︎ Aug 24 2022
What did the yoga instructor say when she was asked to leave the bar?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 17 2022
Why were my shoes not allowed in the Jazz bar?
Because they didnβt have any βsoleβ
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 10 2022
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, βIβll have a cokeβ¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦ and rum
The bartender says, βwhatβs with the big pause?β βI donβt know, I was born with them,β replied the polar bear
π︎ 49
π
︎ Nov 11 2022
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all sitting at a bar when three flies land in their drinks at the same time,
The Englishman pushes his drink back and asks for a new one, the Irishman just takes the fly out and flicks it over his shoulder, resuming to drink his drink, meanwhile the Scotsman was tapping the back of the fly, screaming βSPIT IT OUT YA WEE BASTARDβ
π︎ 6k
π
︎ May 22 2022
A guy with a frog on his head walks into a bar. The bartender stares and says βWhereβd you get that?β
βIt started as a wart on my buttβ says the frog.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 16 2022
Why Did the Ghost Walk Into the Bar?
π︎ 47
π
︎ Oct 19 2022
Three vampires walk into a bar, the barkeep asks them "Whadyl' have tonight, guys?"
The first one says "I'll have an A positive."
Second one says "That sounds good, I'll have one too!"
Barkeep asks the third one "How about you?"
Third vampire says "Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I'll have an O negative."
The barkeep says "Coming right up - two bloods and a blood light!"
π︎ 284
π
︎ Aug 25 2022
Batman stopped by my bar the other night for a drink
But his order was just ice
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 22 2022
A Times New Roman walked into a bar and the bartender said...
...sorry, we don't serve your type here.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 29 2022
My hands stink like shit after going to the nail bar
I had to rush them to finish. So I ended up with a man-ure
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 06 2022
A Roman Legionnaire walks to the bar, holds up two fingers and says...
π︎ 45
π
︎ Sep 22 2022
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says βoh hey, we actually have a drink named after youβ
The grasshopper replies βwhat you have a drink named Steve?β
π︎ 68
π
︎ Nov 15 2022
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get you?
βPopβ goes the weasel
π︎ 841
π
︎ Aug 22 2022
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, βHey, they named a drink after you!β
βReally?β replies the grasshopper. βThereβs a drink named Stan?β
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 15 2022
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, wow I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 03 2022
It's a 5min walk from my house to the bar, but a 25min walk from the bar back home.
The difference is staggering
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 11 2022
The Bar
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the bar but it is a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 15 2022
Itβs a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a half hour walk back home
The difference is staggering
π︎ 213
π
︎ Sep 14 2022
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
π︎ 63
π
︎ Oct 08 2022
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