Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
Friend: sigh. I can’t believe they charge me $25 to automatically file my state return. Anyway, love you dad hope you’re having an OK day :) Dad: thanks. Love you W-2.
It was a taxing day.
Once upon a time there was a king in the olden times
He loved giving out diktats like
"So shall citizens pay double the tax"
"So shall boys over 18 join the army"
He went to war with China
He won
In the court, they brought a Chinese man
"Your Majesty, he's the best singer in China, but refuses to sing since he is unwell with cough, fever"
The king then gave out a new diktat
"So shall this Tan sing"
And to this day, when it happens..
He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at £28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the £28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, ‘I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’
My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.
I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.
That leaves me on the street.
I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.
I need support. I can't continue on like this.
Life's not easy.
Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.
My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."
Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...
- “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
- “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
- “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
- “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
- “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
- “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
- “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
- “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
- “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
- “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
- “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”
...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”
Most days I find the work very taxing.
I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee.
I saw my opportunity and I pounced...
"So this is the....Tidal Wave?"
I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes. Good ol' California DMV.
