I said, βIt must be my weekend immune system.β
The fact a body was attached to it made it a dead giveaway.
Your sus-ter
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
Every where he drove it, people shouted "Look at that S-Car go!"
Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?
Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.
P1: How so?
P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.
P1: You raise at interesting point.
P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?
P1: Yes
P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.
She denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
I think it was extra to restore eels
Turns out she was a plant.
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
He has rust issues.
Shifty.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
Order an auto-topsy
It looked like foul play. The mason wasnβt a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldnβt hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.
Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasnβt a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didnβt stick and the jury let him roll off clean.
In the end, Iβm not sure whether he made it up.
They know I'm plotting something
He has some rust issues.
It is a drug car tell.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
Caught in the act he admits, "Honey, I've been living a lye..."
I said, My foot, officer
Suspicious mimes.
The doctor, after examining him: Donβt worry. Theyβre benign.
Pirate: Are you sure? I thought I counted ten.
I mean, they always raise at least a few red flags.
(x-post from shittydebatecommunism)
I hope he doesn't take a fence.
A few weeks into their journey, they ran out of food. Unable to find plants to eat, and after an entire day of discussion, they decided that if they found meat before plants, the would eat it.
A day later, in the distance, they saw a small tree. As they got closer, they saw that there were strips of perfectly cooked bacon hanging from the bare limbs.
The first vegan grew excited. "Look! It's a bacon tree! Food!" And with that, he took off running toward it.
The other vegan hung back, looking at it suspiciously. "No, wait!" he called. "That's not a bacon tree!"
"Sure it is! It's a bacon tree!" the first vegan yelled over his shoulder. When he reached the tree, he jumped, trying to reach the bacon from the lower branches, but before he could, a pair of wild boar darted out from behind the tree and skewered him on their tusks.
The other vegan shook his head. "I tried to tell you it wasn't a bacon tree. It was just a hambush..."
It's dice-y
They've spent a lot of time behind bars.
They always seem to be up to something
Re: Cyst
Some say he was kilt.
Me: It must be my weakened immune system.
I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."
Everyone denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns...
That's when I realized she was a plant.
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
