Suicidal Ideation Puns

scared of where i’ll end up if I mention the ideations

Pretty much the title. Every year after the holidays I get a mini surge of people considering detransition or who present with new onset depression and suicidal ideation.

The reason is obvious, people go home to their family, people who should love them unconditionally and it doesn't go so well.

I work really really hard to make sure I don't ever lose patients to suicide. In nine years it's only happened once, and I was completely shocked by that one. It sort of came out of nowhere. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that person and wonder if I'd been a little friendlier in my last portal message with them, if I'd probed a little harder they would have confided in me and I could have done something.

I'll never know how many people I yanked back to reality when they were standing on the edge of the void, but I always think about the one I didn't.

I can't see all trans people on earth, so do me a solid and check in on your trans friends/family/etc and make sure they are doing alright and aren't in a dark place.

I rather openly admit that were it not for a random Facebook message from one of my trans patients a few months after the fire, I would currently not exist. Because of what she said to me, PFM now exists and I still do as well. It really can make a difference, so take a second and send some messages to everyone you care about. It you are not sure what to say, just send something like this:

"Hey, haven't heard much from you for a little while are you doing okay? For real, asking for an honest response, as I care about you"

I credit my life to that patient that did it for me, so I try to pay it forward.

Is this a protocol every doctor has to follow or was it exclusive to the doctor I saw?

Throwaway because I know several people IRL who visit this sub and might recognize this. I dont want to dox my personal. Obligatory long time lurker. New user. Please do not use my story. It is mine. I'm on mobile.

TW suicidal ideation threated by MIL. Part one. We have spent an entire year dealing with MIL. I'm exhausted. From her constant 2-3 day spirals. Her manipulations, guilt trips. Flying monkeys. SO finally started coming out of the FOG 6 months ago and has gotten a Shiney spine. But he is VERY non confrontational so this is taking it's toll on him.

So JNMIl has not always been a JN. we have always seen her in conflicts with people. She is always the victim even though in some incidents she is very much not.

Last year, she started drama between me and my JNSIL. She sent a major guilt trip about how I should unblock her. Then accused us of lying over covid. 2-3 times send raging texts since we did not respond within the hour (we were at work), her texts could wait. She told BIL we were mad at her and had him contact us in one of those "we didn't text right away". When confronted she said she "didn't know if we were safe". Why not call? Come over?

Then accused us of lying and having COVID. Then hiding it from her. We of course did not. Then in that message when SO is suggesting she talk to her therapist (that she recently started seeing because of conflict with siblings but had quit after 4-5 sessions because it "wasn't helping"). Then the next day throws a spiraling "poor me/guilt text " to us and BIL/SIL because she "told us she was sick and no one checked on her". In reality my SO asked her when she accused us of lying if she was feeling okay and she said she didn't feel like herself.

All this happened in a 25 day span. On the 20th of January 2021 she sent SO and I several messages thanking us for being her kids. Praises. Then turned around and put us in a group with BIL/SIL did the same thing then said it's her time to go she is praying God takes her home tonight. So me and SIL show up to her house. I call MIL friend. Husband shows up a bit after me.

JNMIL point blank says that is is feeling this way because we are ignoring her, cutting her out of our lives, not speaking to her. That she hears from BIL/SIL all the time. We defend and give her dates. In the 25 day span she was referring to she heard from us via text (some days in depth) for 23 out of 25 days. I also had 7 phone calls. And she saw us at least 2 times. Then after she coul

I have been suffering from OCD for as long as i can remember. It made my life in to a dead end trainwreck. Naturally thoughts of ending my life were a usual part of my daily routine.

Having found an awesome therapist, with her help, i realized, what i want is not to die, but to actually live for once. To be finally happy, and content. However, the suicidal (nut sure if just intrusive?) thoughts continued.

I found that strange because i made a huge ass realization, yet here i am, finger gunning myself though my lower jaw dozens of times a day thinking "i just wanna die." Thing is, we established that i do not want to. Why does my subconscious fuck with me still?

Then it dawned on me. Death is the end of life, and my current situation is masquarading as life. Which it is not. Consciously, i desire the end of my current situation, but my subconscious still thinks of my current existence as life, hence the suicidal thoughts!

As someone who has chronic suicidal ideation, going on, 25 years roughly (which does not mean I want to or plan to ever do it) and as a gun owner, I would really like to give my personal perspective if possible. Maybe help give some insight on what it's like. I did my best trying to articulate, I am no writer. Suicide is an issue that can affect anyone and there are rarely glaring signs until after unfortunately. As a community who uses something that can take lives, try to pay as close attention to your shooting buddies as you can. Educate yourself on some of the signs, you could literally save a life.

Trigger warning, In this post, I go into detail about my experience with suicidal ideation. This is about my ideation, it can be something completely different to what others experience. Please contact me if you need to. If you just need help finding the right resources or have questions you want to ask, I promise I will respond. There are always resources to help. Please visit the site at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ If you need help.

here is an article to the statistics used.  https://health.ucdavis.edu/what-you-can-do/facts.html

I really dislike it when these specific statistics are used as a point because it makes it easy to focus anywhere but on the problem. If you remove all guns from the world, you still have a suicide problem. The means in which people do it shouldn't be the focus; the reason they do it and finding a solution to help should be the focus. It does the issue a disservice when you blame the means in which it's carried out.

Trust me, the lack of available mental health resources if/when you seek help for suicidal ideation is something I don't think people realize is as big of an issue as it is. Many therapists will turn you away the instant you mention it, and even fewer have the tools to help you. Which means your best solution if you do seek help after being turned away is to self admission into care yourself. And that goes against your nature. It takes a lot to take that step, one I never could. I was lucky. I kept trying to find someone to help. It took around 8 or 9 therapists to find someone who was comfortable taking me on as a client.

The problem is that we cannot or do not typically seek help until it is already unmanageable. It doesn't always pop into your head one day because something traumatic happened. There are different ways ideation can manifest. Don't discredit what you're experiencing ju

Is there someone you can talk to or a company that I can pay higher premiums? Or even out if I die from something eating disorder related they won’t cover. Does anyone have any experience with this?

My wife has been transitioning for about 10 months now and even though I knew it would be difficult, as I think I'm really straight as much as I've tried to convince myself otherwise, my guiding light was believing that my partner would be happier. She was happier at the beginning, but now she seems more depressed than ever. She wasn't depressed before transitioning, just blocked many of her feelings, particularly about transitioning, but she was generally happy and calm. She is now very emotional and has said herself that she is very depressed and feeling a lot of self loathing. I have never seen her like this. I'm also going through a lot with her transition and becoming a new mom, and I feel emotionally spent. I miss how my partner used to be all the time and the life we used to have. When I felt bad about things yesterday, she got very upset and emotional and said that she was wishing she could die. We talked about things and she promised she wouldn't hurt herself. I am also keeping watch over her. I am trying to convince her to go to therapy and I'm also open to couples therapy.

I just don't know what to do. What is the use of all this pain I've gone through if she's not even happy. Has anyone gone through something similar? Did it get better?

How do you know the difference?

Hi there, I am an MSc student in Clinical Psychology from Queen's University. As part of my MSc thesis project, I am developing a questionnaire to better understand the experiences and response to suicidal thoughts in young adults. I am recruiting participants to help me test it out. This study has been approved by the university's ethics board (TRAQ # 6033200).

More details about my study can be found in the poster and below:

Time Commitment: Participation will take about 30-40 minutes and involves answering questionnaires.

Eligibility criteria: 18 to 29 years of age; Has experienced suicidal thoughts within the past 3 months; Access to the internet and a computer/laptop; Normal or corrected vision; Be able to read and write fluently in English; Currently residing in North America.

Compensation: Participants will receive 0.5 SONA credits (only eligible for Queen's students enrolled in the participant pool) or CAD$5 gift card of their choice.

Email us at querby(at)queensu(dot)ca if you are interested! Thanks very much for contributing to suicide research!

https://preview.redd.it/g9pr5uv3wuc81.jpg?width=688&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3569106875b19e6382d9b26474469d206868ed7e

I have no plans to do anything drastic, but I do deal with severe lows and anxiety very often. I don’t have many connections and my family doesn’t really recognize mental health. I’ve never had any actual psych appointments so I’m pretty clueless and intimidated. Please point me in the right direction if you can.

Some extra info:

• I’m a 22 y/o grad student living with my parents

• I’m trans. This isn’t really the main reason I’m seeking therapy (gender identity is honestly the least of my issues lol) but I guess somewhere that’s LGBT-trained would be nice

• I’m not broke but I’m not rich either. I looked that price ranges for therapy and they’re honestly beyond my budget…

TL;DR I am struggling with parenthood with my C-PTSD diagnosis. High-needs child. History and rant follows.

Until the age of 25 I never, ever wanted to have children. I knew my parents had horribly traumatized and neglected me and I didn’t have the skills to parent.

Then I accidentally got pregnant and had a traumatic, painful abortion. After that, my body wanted to be pregnant but I kept fighting with logic, telling myself I shouldn’t have kids.

Anyways I got in a relationship at 27 with a long term FWB who told me he wanted to have children with me. He promised stability & love and like an idiot I ignored any red flags and quickly became pregnant. We both wanted this child very much and made plans together with his family and it was such a joyful time.

Of course it all fell apart and I witnessed my partner hurting our 1 month old baby. I did all the right things— called the police and got custody and a restraining order. I moved with our baby across the country with no help from my family and the ire and abuse from the father’s family.

I was horribly traumatized and suicidal but knew I had to stay for my (AFAB diagnosed w gender dysphoria age 5) son. I sought professional help with a therapist and got on medication. Finally I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and MDD. Things would get better for periods of time, but the meds would stop working after 6 months or so and I’d have to switch. I got on disability when my son was 5 because symptoms were so severe I couldn’t work.

Now my son is 7 and was recently diagnosed with ADHD and ODD on top of being trans. He triggers me ALL THE TIME, every single day. Wants to fight and argue about anything and everything. Says cruel things, hits/kicks to hurt me or destroys my belongings when I take away TV/toys as a consequence. He is so much like his father (who he has never talked to or seen since 1 month old) that it makes me want to die. I am drowning in shame for picking his father, for choosing to get pregnant, and failing my child in whatever way has made him like this. Feels like 100% My Fault His Life Is Shit™️

I have been suffering the last 3 months waiting for a med change appointment, so my depression is absolutely out of control. For the first time in 10 years I have returned to self harm at a new level of violence. I wake up every day wanting to die and debating with myself how to provide a stable, safe future for my son …so I can go kill myself. Can’t send him to family or friends, won’t send him

So I've been dealing with thoughts of suicide pretty regularly when I'm depressed, but the thing is they're not serious I guess is how I would word it. It's more of a "Hey, I could literally kill myself right now"

But the thing is, it hasn't really gotten serious for quite some time now. Like I've haven't actually intended on doing it recently. No plan or anything.

If I get close to doing it or making a plan I get scared, so that means I'm not suicidal if I don't actually want to off myself, right?

It's the last step before suicide but feels not miles but light years away, until it's not. How do you know how close you are? I just imagined my mother's reaction to it and it brought me to tears when I rarely cry. But while I don't "feel" as depressed as I have in the past, I feel strangely closer than ever to ending it.

Edit: Thank you everyone for the kind and helpful replies. I feel confident going to mental health next week (currently on a tdy mission). Much appreciated, everyone.

Hello and thanks for reading. I would like to begin therapy and get on antidepressants for what I'm sure is major depression. Throughout my life, I've found that honesty is generally the best policy, and I'd like to receive the best and most tailored care for my issues, but I am wondering if answering honestly to any of their suicide questions will get me discharged. I don't want to end up in grippy socks or anything. I have a little over a year left in my contract, which I'd like to see to completion. Without providing too many identifying details, basically when I first got to my base, I got taken advantage of by someone whom I believed to be one of my only friends at the time (we met in ftac). He got me super wasted to loosen me up if you know what I mean.

I live in agony; some days are worse or better than others. It probably eats at me more subconsciously than consciously, because I can still function fairly normally. It's mostly when I'm alone with my thoughts. I'm not your exemplary airman, but I perform adequately. I'd waited so long before considering starting mental health assistance because I'm aircrew, and if you go to MH, you aren't allowed to fly for a long period of time. Travelling felt like one of my only outlets, so I didn't think I could afford to give it up, but now, I can't afford to go on like this without help.

I'd consider myself casually suicidal. I don't think I'd actually kill myself until my parents are dead because I wouldn't want to inflict such pain on them, but on all my flights I just think about using the gun to blow my brains out in the lavatory.

Is it worth mentioning this to the counselor or would it just open a can of worms that'd ruin my career and show me the boot? I'm not a threat to others, and again, I don't think I'd kill myself as long as my loved ones are still alive. It's moreso just an intrusive thought.

It's like a constant drum beat for me. It drones on and on throughout most of my days.

I know depression is pretty high in the gay community. If you deal with this, how do you cope? What do you do to feel better in the moment?

On one hand, I'm happier than I've ever been. I accept myself for the first time. But I think about suicide almost daily, and on mornings like this, I wake up with the sole desire of doing it. "Do it" or "kill yourself" repeats in my head over and over.

Can anyone who has ever had suicidal ideations please reply where taking Lithium has turned this around for you?

A family member of mine has just tried to commit suicide and is in intensive care, and as far as I know she isn't on Lithium. If it really does help I want to make sure her physician looks into this ASAP.

Before I start a little trigger warning this may be dark to some, not to bad but I just thought I'd through this in here:

I'll cut a long story short. I'm depressed, very socially anxious and have been for a long time. I've come to accept it to some degree that this is part of my character and I have to try and live with it, but I cannot stop thinking about suicide which is making doing that very difficult. In my country therapy has a very long waiting list so I can't talk to a therapist at the moment.

I can't stop thinking about suicide, I genuinely have a hatred for myself and for life itself and I want to end it, but i never will because i don't have it in me and i know that, the balls of steel it takes to willingly step into the void is something i dont possess. I need to find a way to get this out of my head as it's getting in the way of my life, I just cant get on with things as I keep thinking about killing myself and it's becoming an issue, again I won't do it.

I typically don't care about anything and anything I find motivation for I often end up resenting, then I think it's never going to change so I should end it... but I wont, I keep cutting myself short of potential because of this thought process.

Any tips/advice?

I’m a new mental health worker at a community mental health clinic. I typically do bio psycho socials on new clients who are initiating services. When I am doing the assessment, if a client is expressing suicidal thoughts with no intent or plan, we create a safety plan and ensure they have the number for our after hours crisis number, they have identified supports in place, and things they can do to calm down

If someone is still expressing SI with a plan to hurt themselves, we will have one of our doctors assess and then send them to the local hospital if they determine it’s necessary.

That happened in one of my intakes. The client reported that they attempted suicide a few nights prior and it was unsuccessful, and they said they were going to try again that night. The client then went to the local hospital after speaking to a MD. One of the doctors at the hospital was irritated with our clinic that the client was sent to the hospital when the client was coming into the clinic for help.

So my question is, what is your protocol when someone is expressing SI with a plan of intent? Is it typical that the client would be sent to the hospital? I am very new to the field (finishing up my MSW in the spring) so any feedback is much appreciated!

“On a long spiral down, before I make it to the ground, I’ll wrap Orion’s belt around my neck, And kick the chair out”

What is this part about? I think, clearly, it’s suicidal ideation. But I don’t see how it relates to the whole theme of the song.

I was listening to an old episode of the pod the other day when somehow Dasha brought up that she was glad she didn't kill herself when she was younger, because things have picked up and gotten better.

She then goes on to explain how when she was in Thailand and at other times in her life she would think about killing herself, but didn't go through with it for some reason. If she had killed herself, we wouldn't have 75% of the pod, Wobble Palace, Softness of Bodies, or anything else that she's gone on to do which I've really enjoyed. I still think she should do a book of poetry.

I appreciate this perspective and raw emotional honesty from someone who I consider quite funny and odd in a good way, and it's one of the reasons why I will keep listening to the pod for a long time. The frankness in these reveals gives me perspective on other things in my own life, and is above a lot of cultural bullshit that I could give two hoots about.

I'm sort of at a loss at the moment. I got through a bit of a rough patch a while ago and now I'm in a good groove. I taken to studying Bahasa Indonesian and found that I'm actually incredibly good at it so far. I've begun writing again and I've even received a few short story commissions. Things are going better now than they have in quite some time.

So... why am I still suicidal? Why do I often think "well this is great, but suicide will come at some point and it'll be a shame when it does because this is fun."? My trauma still bugs me constantly of course but I've accepted that as an unfortunate constant in my life for some time now.

I feel like I've just given up entirely. Even when I'm doing well, even when I'm becoming "normal" so to speak, all I can think of is how it'll suck that at some undetermined point, I'll take my life. It's never "well it's a possibility" it's an inevitability.

I just don't get what I'm doing wrong. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. Meds, therapy, hobbies, friends, the whole nine yards. And it's not even to say I'm unhappy, lately I've been quite upbeat. So why is it that, even when I'm happy, my thoughts are never far from that? Does this just never go away like my trauma?

A few months ago this friend and I drifted a part, and for the most part ended our friendship. Today I saw a post from them contemplating and have suicidal ideations. It broke my heart, even as much as we have drifted apart, I still care about this person, but I don’t think it’s my place to be there for them. I have experienced similar struggles in my life, but to see this person tread this path was very soul crushing.

Convince yourself life isn’t worth living? Everyone hates you? Feel paranoid?

I’m going through absolute hell already, I’m in withdrawal from medication and suffering from a long-term adverse reaction to an anti biotic. Luteal phase on top of this is pushing me to my absolute limit.

i am forcing myself to stay alive for my girlfriend (and only her, i have no one else 🙃) at this point. i wake up everyday out of obligation. i have nothing in life that brings me even an ounce of joy anymore. no goals. no hopes. not even a fucking hobby. as far as i'm concerned, the future doesn't even exist. circumstances might change but after you're robbed of your childhood it kinda feels like there is absolutely nothing left to look forward to. idk if that makes sense to anyone, it's just like my childhood should have been the most carefree and happy time in my life, but all i remember is terror? so how am i ever supposed to think things will get better? the shit most people reminisce about, i'm crying about in therapy every week. it's so stupid. i feel so pathetic for trying

i don't know what there is left for me to do. i go to therapy every week and take my stupid meds. tried journaling but i can't keep up with it. tried doing art but i hate everything i draw. my main coping mechanism is getting stoned and staring at a wall until it's time to go to bed, and even then i usually only sleep for 4-5 hours and wake up just as broken as i was when i went to bed. not even sleeping feels good. it's just another thing i have to do, like eating, to keep my body going so my gf is happy.

everyone who says it gets better is lying. you might learn to cope better but the nightmares and the flashbacks never go away. i don't really see the point in a life that is going to be so difficult. maybe if i enjoyed some small part of it i wouldn't care that it's so goddamn hard to simply get out of bed in the morning, but there isn't shit here for me. just my girlfriend. and relationships aren't forever, or she'll fucking die, or what the hell ever will happen, and i'm gonna just be alone again anyway. i don't see the point in human connection. just another opportunity for pain.

i'm so tired of being told it will get better. i am nearly 30. it doesn't fucking get better. and i'm so angry at all the people who've lied to me over the years, like my therapist and other mental health "professionals" who's only interest is my money anyway. they've made it really clear that i'm not worth salvaging. no talents. not pretty or kind or anything useful to the world. but they keep fucking with me and saying that time will heal it or whatever the fuck, y'know, because we live in a society where we aren't allowed the dignity to fucking DIE when we want to.

just been crying for da

CW: suicidal ideation (obviously)

As I transition I'm gaining more perspective on my past and how mentally unhealthy I was. Looking back it's really distressing to remember what I thought of as normal.

CW: Seriously, if you don't want to read someone's disturbing thoughts, click away.

Like, I used to really enjoy thinking about getting in airplane, filling it with gas, pointing the nose out to sea, turning off the radios, and waiting for the inevitable. After about 3 hours there'd be no possibility of getting back to land. I'm a pilot who lived near the Pacific so this was completely doable. I really enjoyed thinking through all the details of how to make sure no one had any chance of tracking me for search and rescue. Daydreaming about the second half of the flight where the end was inevitable just felt so peaceful.

I thought this was normal!! When I started therapy for transition I honestly answered that I'd never had suicidal thoughts. I'd never made an attempt or a specific plan and I figured everyone had thoughts and fantasies like that. Compare that to now, where in nearly 2 years of transitioning I can remember exactly 1 instance of intrusive thoughts about it.

So now I'm left with this confusing mix of grief for how I lived and guilt for thinking those thoughts. How do I find compassion for the part of me that wanted to end me? How do I trust that I won't slip back into those thoughts?

I didn’t pick up on this in my first viewing, but now I’m doing my first rewatch and to me, its incredibly obvious Ted is contemplating suicide. At the end of S1, Ted is >!going through the divorce and signs the paperwork. He walks out of his flat, confused and obviously spacing out, and nearly walks into the street while a car is passing by. Beard puts his arm out and stops Ted, effectively saving his life. !<This scene plays out and at first I thought, he still doesn’t get the while they drive on the other side of the road thing. But after seeing the way S2 starts off and how S1 ends I can’t help but feel like Ted was willing to commit suicide in that moment. At the end of S1, >!Ted is in Rebecca’s office and they’re talking about how job. Ted believes he is going to get sacked, so he tells Rebecca that he’ll just quit.!< While he says this, he does 3-4 hand gestures that are implying suicide.

S2 starts off and Ted is obviously still struggling>! with the divorce!< and the distance between him and his son. Up to the S2EP4 I can recall a few instances where Ted makes a typical joke or quip, but it’s about suicide. I can’t recall the exact movements but when you get to the Christmas Episode (EP4), to me it becomes obvious again. He is watching the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” which has a lot to do with suicide. >!Right before Rebecca gets Ted’s attention and pulls him out of his depressive flat to go around town and give gifts,!< the scene he’s watching is a man about to jump off a bridge to commit suicide. You even hear the splash in the background as Ted goes to the window. Later in that episode he says something to Rebecca about how differently the day could have been and “how bad” things could have gone if he just stayed there drinking and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” over and over. I feel like the "how bad" comment is him implying suicide.

Now I’m only on S2EP5 of my rewatch so there’s more to pick up/notice on as I continue, but I think it’s very clear that Ted is struggling not just with his anxiety and depression, but also suicide. Thankfully he has the support of his friends, coworkers, and his family later in the season to help him through it. >!Beard literally stops him from walking into oncoming traffic.!< To me, this is an important theme to note in the show because I believe a lot more people struggle with this than lead onto. Maybe they make jokes about suicide or say things that seem weird, but som

There is no secret to any of this.

It is a journey comprised of struggle and pain.

It is a path that is not linear but rather a maze that you have no idea how to navigate.

The harsh reality is that sometimes you will have to tackle this all by yourself without having any clue on where to begin, what to work on, and/or what to even do in the first place!

So with the fear of the unknown alongside my anxiety …it was a recipe for disaster

Or at least I thought it was.

I never considered myself the smartest person in the room but I could convince and remind myself that what’s in front of me is not a matter of my intelligence but that I’m dealing with things that are very complicated.

Emotions are tricky things but nonetheless are very very crucial things.

Behind each and every emotion is a message, pay attention!

I had a bad upbringing, I had a terrible father, I had anxiety, I had low self esteem

I felt broken but was I really?

My body was reacting to years of repressed emotions.

Years of repressed trauma.

Years of pain.

As a man, seeking help in itself was a struggle… I didn’t quit however.

I knew eventually things would work out if I kept trying.

Giving up was not an option.

So what did I do?

1. Well therapy was the first stop however whatever I gathered from therapy was then being brought back into the same environment that caused me to go to therapy in the first place.

So I packed my bags and moved out.

Now therapy actually has an impact!

2. I had to remove certain people from my life, despite how much I cared and loved them.

This isn’t easy , especially when I myself am a very “lovey dovey” person… however I needed to be realistic.

Doing the following 2 points above has done wonders for me.

Furthermore,

Please be kind to yourself, you’re only human.

You will make mistakes, meet the wrong people, you will work the wrong job, soooo much stuff will come your way.

Take the lessons, learn from them, and keep on fighting!

Can we just talk about how painful it is when you’re so close with your family and you leave but they don’t it feels like such a stab in the back, and every time they enjoy anything related to the church it’s like they’re pushing the knife further into the wound. Every dollar in tithing is a twist of the knife, and every church related event is the blade going an inch deeper. And you don’t wanna bring it up because that hurts them and you don’t wanna escalate or seem like a hateful antimo even though you know deep down you are.

Side note: I didn’t just leave and get mad that they didn’t. I suffered through so many internalized messages about what I was worthy of simply for who I am, and had multiple people remind me where my “place” was at such a young age that now I have to completely retrain my brain, even though my entire existence until now has been these things. I have severe religious trauma, so I’m not just grumpy because I don’t like the church. I’m hurting because this church that my whole self was based on put me in such a dark place that I almost took my life on multiple occasions and still don’t know how to process happiness in a lot of situations. It’s a lot deeper than people realize. And I’m still under a Mormon roof. My parents are very understanding and accommodating but it’s still too much and I’m not old enough to move out and now the church is slowly eating away at my relationships with my family. They’re still so indoctrinated that they don’t realize how fucked up it all is and I still have friends trying to defend the church and saying that the church doesn’t actually have a homophobia or transphobia problem, even after I told them some of the things that have been/are still being said, and I explained that these words taught me I was better off dead. I was still the rude one for talking about how much these words hurt people. I feel like I’m losing some of my closest loved ones. Idk what to do

30 days 20mg Prozac, No suicidal ideation, depression, sad feelings, addiction and feeling stable.

I take it for Anxiety and mild depression.

I left my job 2 years ago, all my savings are burnt, i am 29, have to start from scratch.

Anxiety would not let me sit and focus on work. And was delusional too..

Now i feel i am starting to walk.

Just wanted to share with someone,

Will share experience after 60 days.

Before the suicide hotline stuff comes in this isn’t a cry for help. Just don’t have anything better to be doing and thought people might have interesting questions I could answer.

I was diagnosed BP 1 August 2021. I was hospitalized due to mania over the summer.I’m 50, 4 kids, happily married. I’ve never had any mental health issues or suffered depression and I’m still in denial about my diagnosis. I’m now in a severe depression and haven’t left the house in 3 months. I’m a complete wreck and think about suicide every day. The only thing stopping me is the thought of my kids with no mother and how devastated they would be. I’m on Lamictal and Lithium. I have lost 50% of my hair due to lithium, hypothyroidism and tremors also. My Psychiatrist is going to wean me off Lithium in February when I’m at 200mg of Lamictal. My life has totally changed and I’m at a lost about what to do. I would really appreciate any advice about what I can do going forward. I feel so hopeless.

I don’t have a plan, I’m not going to kill myself BUT I am having intense, highly intrusive thoughts right now. I know if I don’t do something I might actually make a plan. Hypothetically if I turned myself in to the ER, does anyone know what would happen with my classes and finals coming up? I just want to be able to do this without being worried that when i come out my grades are fucked.

And yes I have already contacted the counseling center to get treatment but it’s taking a long time unfortunately and this is kind of a pressing issue sooooo does anyone happen to know thanks

EDIT:

I wanted to update you all and also thank you for being so sympathetic to my situation. Last night I felt the worse I ever had and I was looking into what being placed on voluntary psychiatric hold would be like. I’ve thought about doing it several times before because this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this, but I always get extremely scared of the consequences for my job, my grades, and about if my friends and loved ones found out. I was also afraid to be physically in the psychiatric ward because I’ve heard horror stories.

Anyway, after reading everyone’s messages and sleeping I don’t feel like I’m in a “danger zone” anymore. Next time I am though (which very well could be later today because I still feel pretty anxious and jittery) I’ll put myself into voluntary hold.

My friend from abroad in another western country I talk to online has a lot of problems with depression. He has for years. He finally went to seek help and told them everything - told him about his thoughts, his feelings, that he had wanted to kill himself. He hoped for help. Well, they put him in a mental institution for a year. He lost his business, and his car. Now he lives on welfare basically, when he was self sustaining, and he doesn't even care anymore.

Thing is: he's been thinking about this for years, you didn't just stumble upon him at his moment of realization. Years, living with this.

I dont think hese problems and solving societal issues can happen without honest conversation and change, although we know society is extremely resistant to change. Even my relatives who work in Healthcare say that it's a good thing that people who think of hurting themselves are committed.

I’ve been struggling with finding a reason to keep going for a while now. I’d love to read a book that would help—whether find meaning in life, feel validated, or simply take my mind off things.

I’m open to reading both fiction and non-fiction, preferably books that are easy to read.

(Trigger warnings are appreciated for any books that might be disturbing.)

Edit: thanks for the kind words. I am seeking help, and I’m currently in the psych ward (been in and out for the past 2 months). I can see how my post would’ve been worrying without that piece of information - but don’t worry, I’m in a safe place and getting the help I need.

Today I - and my treatment team - decided that I would extend my hospital stay and take my time to work through my thoughts. I’m pretty bummed, even though I made the decision and it’s the right call.

And it was great they supported me i guess, but when we got to talk to a pyschiatrist to get better meds one of the first things the guy told me is just to try to be more rstional and hopeful?? Like i get he was trying to help me but u think i can just turn rational and hopeful when im 🤏 this close to trying suicide?? Idk it was weird. I went in and they gave me 'advice' on how to get better and they did sorta upgrade my medication but its still weird. Is this normal practice for therapists and pyschiatrists?

I suffer from depression, and every single time it hits.. suicide is heavy on the brain, like right now. Do they ever stop? Or is this something some people just deal with every depression spell? I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to know I'm going to fantasize my death over and over periodically from now on. I want it to end now.