I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
Eiffel.
Like "I'm having a stroke."
(Heard from a trainer at the hospital I work in)
Use a ruler
Or left to hell! Or right!
Couldn’t get a straight answer
It's the new dual Cabbage Way
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar, and the bartender says "oh god, not you two again"
Early
One says to the other "you been here before?" The other says "Yeah, but if we hang too close someone might start something. "
A shopping cart
You could call it a coin-cidence
I guess we didn’t see eye to eye
because I want to be a ruler.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Because they eat PAIN everyday
Please give me the best dad jokes you got
Edit (10/8): WOW. I did not expect to get this many upvotes or awards, let alone this many dad jokes this early. Thank you all for helping me laugh/groan this entire coming weekend. Keep em coming!
Edit 2: 10K???!! I’m at a loss for words guys. Thank you so much for the love and making me laugh and groan my ass off for the next 3 months straight. Let’s make it 4! ♥️
No.
It told them to go straight
I said: no one does that to a girl, not on my watch!
There was never a dull moment...
But eventually I was cut
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
Dino-snore.
I ugly laughed at this and she thought it was the best.
Edit: wow, thanks for the awards! I told my daughter she got 500 likes and she started dancing. Thank you!
I replied, “I’ll mullet over.”
My partner is pregnant with our first child. Very happy.
During the ultrasounds, the lady doing it said, "And here you can see the largest artery coming out straight from the heart."
I was sitting next to my partner. I leaned over to her and said, "Aorta make sure that's looking good."
We all sighed. It was great.
I said "her name was Reese something" and my mom replied "WITHERSPOON???" but I said, "No, with a knife"
They/Them
It was "cutting edge" technology.
Because they'll never tell you anything straight
He was honor-roll
Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.
But using a ruler is where I draw the line.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
I’m sure he’ll come around, eventually.
Eiffel.
Use a ruler
By using a ruler
He’ll come around eventually.
And the barman says “Oh no not U2 again”
Oh my god, not U2 again
The bartender looks at them and exasperates, "Oh God not U2 again!"
The bartender says, “not you 2 again!”
He’ll come around, eventually.
