I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
What starts with W and ends with T.
It really does , I swear.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
I’ve started saying mucho to my Spanish speaking friends.
My son just started dating a soccer goalie...
The bartender told me they are about to start Happy Hour
A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine.
Anybody want to start hanging out?
I was really scared when I started as a pilot. I looked down nervously and said: "What are all these buttons for?"
The co-pilot said: "They keep your shirt closed."
Dad: "You were ado...."
Daughter: "I was adopted?"
Dad: "You were adorable as a baby!"
Daughter: "Oh!!"
Dad: "That's why we adopted you. "
My wife said she wanted divorce because i play too many video games
What a stupid thing to fallout 4
I remember that teacher asking me to name something that starts with the letter N that I was not very good at.
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
What has three letters and starts with gas?
I started a bird food-delivery service in my neighborhood
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
A clock started training for a marathon
Now everyone's mad it runs fast.
They have their pros and cons
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
I knew a pro gamer who started testing politics simulator games
A friend of mine asked why I started a spice garden.
I just figured it was thyme.
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
I started volunteering for an organization that builds housing for large sea creatures.
It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees.
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
Robin: « the batmobile isn’t starting! »
Batman: « did you check the battery? »
Robin: « what’s a tery? »
So I've decided to start a new company that sells fans
Starting next week, I'm going to dress as a different type of bread every day.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
What do you call a chicken starting at a bowl of lettuce ?
My son is starting school next year but is scared because he thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I reassured him, "Don't be silly! Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
My friend just started his own business with the sole motivation to help affordably castrate male dogs.
That's true entrepreneutership
The Franciscan priest left the monastery to start a flower shop, but before he could open, a flock of sheep in the village got loose and trampled him to death.
Only ewes can prevent florist friars.
A guard’s boss didn’t bother congratulate him on his recent success and started to cry.
Seeing this, a robber sneaked past, and when the boss ended up being in the next room, the boss asked, “how’d you get past security?” In response to this, the robber said “you let your guard down.”
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
Since Lockdown started
I've only been telling inside jokes
What should you do if your omelette starts floating?
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
I'm going to start a brew pub that also offers raisins, nuts and oats.
I'll call it the Granola Bar.
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
I was standing in line waiting to have my hair cut, when I noticed that no one had started a fire yet.
I thought, "This is a shit barber queue."
Flowers started growing on my mouth today.
I’m not sure, but I think that they’re Tulips.
What starts with…
What starts with’W’ and ends with ‘T’, it really does!
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
What starts with W and ends with T?
A large oil company has announced that it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine.
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